the last couple of mornings i’ve woken to my alarm groggy and unsettled. the groggy part is pretty standard. though i’ve been at it for a while, the buzz of my 5:30am alarm is never welcome. unsettled, however, is an unusual state for my brain first thing in the morning.

for as long as i can remember, i’ve been a terrible, restless sleeper. i’m not sure why, but that’s just how it’s been for me. as a result, i think it’s always been harder for me to crawl out of bed in the mornings than the average person. i used to think it was a function of my low-grade depression. but though my emotional state has improved over the years, my ability to get a well-rested night of sleep hasn’t.

i’ve contemplated visiting a sleep clinic, if only for the sake of my own curiosity. what might they find?

still, today’s post is about my dreams and how they affect me in the waking hours.

supposedly, everyone dreams. maybe. for myself, what is certain is that i rarely remember the subject or content of my dreams come morning. the ones i do remember tend to be fraught with emotional baggage. lingering frustrations and disappointments in my daily life that most days i’ve managed to push out of my conscious brain.

i hesitate, here, to give too many details. it’s all a bit personal and… a bit embarrassing to me.

while unconscious, i admit these dreams are nice. they’re vivid, warm, lovely dreams…. as i sit typing this now, i’m reminded of how people experienced “the nexus” in star trek generations…. and sometimes i’ll try to get back to sleep in the hope of holding on to those images, feelings a bit longer.

when i do have one of these deeply vivid and emotional dreams, the feelings and images can stay with me for days. sometimes weeks. these dreams put me off balance in a way that makes concentrating during my waking life more difficult. i’m put on edge, frustrated, cranky, distracted.

and so it has been for the last few days. to be reminded by my subconscious of all the things missing in my life is… irksome. as nice as these things are when i’m sleeping, i’d rather not have them at all.

stupid, stupid dreams….


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i haven’t gotten a lot of feedback on my lip sync music monday format….

here’s another one for today. one of my favorite, and less known i think, billy joel songs.


this one was a bit quicker to make, as i just used the last one as a template.

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its been a busy week. at the office there’s been a notable uptick in workload. and at home, i’m putting the finishing touches on my application for graduate school.

still, i’m trying my best to post as regularly as i can….

i may have mentioned that, in a last-ditch effort to be coupled, i’ve been enrolled in two separate online dating services. i have for some time now, been receiving email notifications of “matches,” dating tips, and the like. some weeks, i pay more attention than others. sometimes all those emails to strait to my email’s trash bin.

but last week, i received one such match notification that made me seriously consider cancelling both subscriptions and settling finally into the reality of perpetual bachelorhood.

brace for the rant….

i’ve questioned from the beginning the “science” of online dating. while both match.com and eharmony claim to be great at matching someone based on some determined set of criteria. i’ve never been able to reconcile their claims with my experience and one match in particular has now convinced me they’re all snake oil salesmen.


are. you. fucking. kidding.

using what criteria can this match have been made for me? have answers to a personality questionnaire suggested i’m a repressed racist? or just a moron? or, maybe neither, but my responses otherwise imply that i’m compatible with a moron? or racist/misogynist? have i been looking for a fascist idiot this whole time and just didn’t know it?

no. i may have my own carry-on bag of crazy, but i have a pretty good idea of the type of women i’m interested in. though kinda cute, there’s no fucking way in hell this “match” could be in the ballpark of close to right for me.

so. now i’ve concluded, finally, there is no science involved. no deep analysis of my likes, dislikes, personality…, whatever. “oh, she likes dogs and romantic comedies too!” “you both work in the same field.”

in no fucking universe that exists could this crazy, moron, racist girl be compatible with me “based on 29 points” as eharmony boasts.

there’s no science, no proven technique behind online match dating. you’re chances are just as good (or not, as the case may be) that you’ll meet someone, maybe a soulmate, randomly in a bar, coffeeshop, etc.

it’s a hoax people! save your money! i’m certainly going to.

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weddings are nice. they’re an excuse to travel. they’re an excuse to drink and celebrate. and, if you’re fortunate enough not to be in the wedding party, they’re an opportunity to gather with friends and relax.

this was the case back in september 2004, when i attended a college friend’s wedding in columbus, ohio. i had moved to hawaii just a couple years prior and it was the first time i’d seen a lot of my college friends since i left oxford.

a “selfie” of me looking hairless and chubby. at the time i was keeping kosher and wearing kipper at the time.

my good friend and former roommate, hal. the birdie was a pretty typical pose for him (and for me too, actually).

me. rudely awakened the morning of the wedding.

from left to right: erin, melanie, missy, and me. “my girls”. though not evident in the photo, i had a bit of a thing for erin, who i’d see next at hal’s wedding several years later in chicago.

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i had a plan this weekend. i had a to do list. but i was foiled when i woke saturday morning feeling crappy. the feeling lingered most of the weekend, which kept me from being remotely productive.

so, now it’s monday afternoon and though i’m feeling better, i’m not at 100% and still haven’t accomplished much.

that means no music monday video.

instead, i think my statement of purpose is ready for some review and critique. please don’t be shy if you have comments or suggestions.


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