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lost
proud
clueless
lonely
attentive
tearful
angry
kind
lazy
spiteful
helpless
generous
happy
listless
empty
gentle
afraid
resentful
tired
defeated

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so, about a month ago i broke down and signed up for a six-month subscription to match.com. they had a sale on and i thought it was about time i tried my hand at dating (or at least thinking about it). admittedly, i haven’t actually contacted anyone on the site, though there are a few girls that have caught my eye.

the thing is, i haven’t quite managed to get past the idea of it; how can you judge a person based on a premeditatedly-created profile? they all are “outgoing,” “adventurous,” “love life,” and “like to try new things.” and the like. is it possible all these people have the same outlook on life? i find it a bit hard to believe, though understand they may have been “chosen” to match my profile. who knows. all i know is that i’m not sure how to relate to people using this format. i’m all for technology, but may be just slightly too old to embrace this way of “meeting” women.

there’s another hurdle as well…. i’m terrible at starting up a conversation with a stranger in person. i don’t like cold-calling people and i’m not sure how to craft an email to someone whose picture i like and whose profile intrigues me. i just don’t know how to do it. i’ve tried to start writing such an email in my brain, but haven’t gotten very far. i don’t know where to being and when i try, i think it sounds stupid, or contrived, or fake. maybe that’s not actually the case, but my self-conscious nature make it sound that way to me. it’s hard to say. i know i want to give it a try, if for no other reason than i spent the money, but for other reasons as well…. i just haven’t been able to proceed without a feel that the whole online dating process is completely absurd. i haven’t given up. not yet. and continue to try crafting an introductory email. i guess i’m just expressing my difficulty and frustration with the process.

what’s more, it seems i’ve stumbled across a real-world hiccup, which i’m hesitant to spell out here, for fear of who might see the post (a constant and troubling consideration every time i sit down to write a post). what i think i can say is that this “hiccup” is making me think there might be value in putting the online dating attempt on hold for a bit.

all in all, my frustration level is on the rise.

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i’ve committed to using MacJournal to do my blog posts; partly because i’ve seen good reviews of it and partly because I got the software cheap as part of a bundled package.

anyway, i’m posting to see how it looks and interacts with wordpress on my blog. if it seems to work well, keep your eyes out for an actual post in the half-day, or so.

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so i’ve quit smoking. or at least i have for the last eight days. on april 14, finished my last pack of cigarettes. i threw away my ash tray and lighters. on april 15 i official began to stop smoking. it seems like a strange phrase, but it is nonetheless accurate. there’s no doubt this is a process and while i’ve done remarkably well so far, i’ve still got a long way to go in the eight week program.

the quit smoking hotline, the assistance program i’ve signed up with for regular check-ins, free nicotine gum and reference material has suggested a combination of nicotine gum and gradually smaller dosages of nicotine patches. i can’t say i’ve followed the program exactly as they laid out, though i imagine many of you aren’t surprised. still, despite modifying their suggested program, i’ve had just two cigarettes in eight days. i haven’t bought a pack in even longer. so far so good.

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