i’ve got enough in my head to fill a couple of posts, but i’m going to attempt to put it all together in this one post in a way that is coherent and fluid. then i’m going to bed.

now, having said that, i’m not sure where to begin. certain revelations have come to me in the wake of week old events. they are neither hopeful nor surprising. these revelations, however, are confusing and have caused me to develop a new theory. what these revelations also do is shed light on an aspect of my psyche that i hadn’t previously contemplated. and so, following the order of the title, let’s begin….

i haven’t been sleeping well the last few nights.  now, normally i don’t sleep well, so in itself, this is nothing noteworthy.  what makes it noteworthy is that it’s been worse than normal and, what’s more, i’ve been remembering more of my dreams.  that’s very unusual.

i don’t know what is causing me to experience and remember dreams more frequently the last several days, but i’m not sure i like it.  the dreams i’ve been having aren’t particularly distressing, but they are strange and the are vivid.  so much so that they’re waking me at night.

i went to bed earlier last night than i normally do, hoping to catch up a bit, but no such luck.  i’m just as tired today as i was yesterday.  maybe we’ll trying going to bed even earlier tonight.  i don’t know what the hell my problem is….

on top of the insomnia that i should be used to by now….

there are other things on my mind that are clouding my ability to write coherently.  those same things may be affecting my sleep as well.  damn it….

yes, the rest of the family was there too.

i’m sitting in seat 33h, 38000 feet over canada more than halfway through the first leg of my return trip home to honolulu. it at the same time feels that i just left and that i have been gone for ages; i’m struggling to find words to put down here. i mean, should i give a detailed, blow-by-blow account of my two weeks? or, should i do more to describe my impressions, feelings, etc?

so, i had a thought tonight. no, it’s not the first time.

this particular thought came to me a couple of hours after i received a call from a friend of mine who’s going through a difficult break up. and even though i’ve technically only been through one bad break up myself, i can relate to her situation. yes. break ups suck. i, however, do not draw on my experience from this bad break up, but in fact from a situation i went through several years ago with a girl i was totally in love with, but never actually dated. our friendship ended quite bitterly. i was completely shattered and took years to recover. some days i don’t think i’ll ever fully recover from it actually.

so, what’s this thought, you ask? well, let me try to lay it out for you….during our conversation this evening, my friend, through whimpers and tears, said she feels pathetic. she’s almost 30 and feels hopeless (she didn’t say hopeless specifically, but it was inferred) and alone. i can relate and sometimes feel the same way, but after we finished our conversation it occurred to me that i don’t actually feel any pity for her. yes, it sucks that she’s single again and the guy was arguably an ass. however, after having recently moved (back) to hawaii, she’s been in two relationships. she’s gorgeous and smart and has no problem ‘getting a guy.’ i have zero doubt that she’ll find someone else… and probably sooner rather than later.

…. it turns out i’ve decided not to post this entry.  if you’re really curious, i’ll consider sending it to you.  as for the reasons for not posting, sufficed to say, they’re numerous and complicated.  i guess all you need to know is that it would have been more of the same….