i don’t even know what to say or where to start.  to be honest, i’m thinking about things i shouldn’t be bothering with and my brain is storming scenarios that most likely surpass ridiculous….  my brain has a mind of it’s own, so to speak and over the years i’ve learned that really all i can do is ride it out and eventually the storms and insanity pass.

still, recent conversations have changed my outlook a bit.  in previous posts, i’ve concluded that parts of my life are outside of my control.  i am on a path which i have little control over.  these conversations have made me reevaluate those conclusions.  i can’t deny the fact that i am in the situation i’m in because of the choices i’ve made.  it has become clear to me that hawaii is not a good place for me to find a girl or a worth while relationship.

but how is that anyone else’s fault but my own?  i could have left any time i wanted, but have stayed.  and i don’t regret the decision.  i’ve spent so many years looking for nothing more than a girl and a relationship.  for the first time in my life i’m actually doing something for myself, something that doesn’t revolve around me trying to find a girlfriend.  i like it here.  this is the first place i’ve lived where i feel like i’ve got a good thing and a life that i like and am proud of.

having said all that, there is still a part of me that does want to be in a real, serious relationship (it would quite possibly the first one) and hawaii isn’t the place i’m going to do that.  could it be time for me to leave?  have i done everything here i wanted?  to be honest, i’m not sure.  what’s more, right now i don’t have any clear, definitive reason to leave.  what’s more, i’ve recently applied to graduate school here.

for better or worse, i don’t believe my time in hawaii is finished.  despite the fact that this place grows on me a bit more everyday, i feel i still have things to do here before it will be time for me to leave.  granted, i don’t know what those things are and i’m not sure how long it will take for me to accomplish them, but i just don’t feel like i’m done here.  i still have work to do.

i don’t think i’ve made any really bad choices recently and as such feel my gut has been guiding me in the right direction.  for now, anything that happens will have to happen with me in hawaii.  i do, however, foresee a trip to ohio in the near future, and who knows what that will bring.  hell, at the very least, i’ll get to meet hal’s girl (the first of his, i might add, that i’m really excited to meet).

right now i like my life and whatever complaints i might have are minor.  right now all i can do is continue to do what i’ve been and simply hope that it all works out (which i’m not really worried about).  in the meantime, in light of recent conversations and revelations, i feel like i can at the very least see what happens from here.

(sorry if this particular post seems vague.  it is partially intentional, to avoid complications, but is also the result of me being a little drunk.  g’night)

sometimes being left handed is a pain in the ass.

my phone battery is running a little low, so that’s why i’m writing this down first.

do you ever get the feeling that the world is reminding you that your life is a bit of a joke?

i really wish i had a nice digital camera so i could start taking pictures again.  i miss photography and i miss darkrooms.

secrets bug the shit out of me, especially when someone gives up part of it, but leaves out some of the details.  it should be all or nothing, as far as i’m concerned.

i have officially (sort of?) applied for admission to graduate school.

i’ll keep you posted….

http://www.myspace.com/regardingfrost

the last couple days of my life haven’t been the best.  admittedly, though, they have been still far better than days of years past by comparison.

in recent weeks, i’ve begun to realize that, despite my previous adamant belief, there is in fact a g-d.  he my not be kind, or fair, he does, nonetheless, have a plan for everyone.  now i don’t claim to even begin to understand this grand plan of his, or even his plan for my life, but i do believe that he does have a plan for me.  i have become like all the others of faith in the world; i can’t explain or rationalize the course and events of my life, so there must be a plan beyond my sight and understanding.  and i am only now beginning to come to terms with this.

now, don’t misunderstand me, i am not (as some believe) complaining.  quite the contrary is true.  while the course of my life to this point has not led me through calm waters, it has made me the person i am today and while in no way perfect, i quite like the person i am (despite what others might claim).  i am smart, funny, talented, and good at what i do.  i seem to have a knack for putting people at ease and am readily likable.  i am good and honest and have people who care for and love me.  there’s not much more i can ask for….

but there are things missing from my life.  i don’t yet have the career i want, though i am striving to reach that goal.  and i am completely ill equipped to deal with women on any sort of meaningful and personal level.  the course of my life has made these things difficult for me to achieve.  while i was learning to not hate myself and the world, others were being studious and getting good grades, i was just trying to get by.  this has been the course of my life.  while others were learning who they were and how to interact with and date members of the opposite sex, i was dealing with a self-loathing brought me to contemplate suicide.  this was the course of my life.

i am not complaining.  all these things, events, feelings, and situations made me the person i am.  of course it sucked.  of course i was miserable for years, but aside from one or two details, i wouldn’t change any of it.  the course of my life has brought me here.  i live in a beautiful place.  i have great friends who i wouldn’t have met otherwise.  i finally know what it is i want to spend my life doing.  there is virtually nothing i have to complain about.  virtually.

while i may have given away more than just a summary of an essay i’m writing, i feel, in light of certain recent conversations, that i put this out there;  i do not hate my life.  i do not hate myself.  i am quite a fantastic person, if you want to know the truth.  the fact of the matter is, however, that as a result of this course my life has taken, i may move forward without some things i’ve always wanted.  no one’s life is perfect and no one’s life is without some disappointment.  life is full of small disappointments.  what matters is how we deal with them.

when the aforementioned essay is completed, i’ll be sure to let you all know.

goodnight.