the last couple days of my life haven’t been the best.  admittedly, though, they have been still far better than days of years past by comparison.

in recent weeks, i’ve begun to realize that, despite my previous adamant belief, there is in fact a g-d.  he my not be kind, or fair, he does, nonetheless, have a plan for everyone.  now i don’t claim to even begin to understand this grand plan of his, or even his plan for my life, but i do believe that he does have a plan for me.  i have become like all the others of faith in the world; i can’t explain or rationalize the course and events of my life, so there must be a plan beyond my sight and understanding.  and i am only now beginning to come to terms with this.

now, don’t misunderstand me, i am not (as some believe) complaining.  quite the contrary is true.  while the course of my life to this point has not led me through calm waters, it has made me the person i am today and while in no way perfect, i quite like the person i am (despite what others might claim).  i am smart, funny, talented, and good at what i do.  i seem to have a knack for putting people at ease and am readily likable.  i am good and honest and have people who care for and love me.  there’s not much more i can ask for….

but there are things missing from my life.  i don’t yet have the career i want, though i am striving to reach that goal.  and i am completely ill equipped to deal with women on any sort of meaningful and personal level.  the course of my life has made these things difficult for me to achieve.  while i was learning to not hate myself and the world, others were being studious and getting good grades, i was just trying to get by.  this has been the course of my life.  while others were learning who they were and how to interact with and date members of the opposite sex, i was dealing with a self-loathing brought me to contemplate suicide.  this was the course of my life.

i am not complaining.  all these things, events, feelings, and situations made me the person i am.  of course it sucked.  of course i was miserable for years, but aside from one or two details, i wouldn’t change any of it.  the course of my life has brought me here.  i live in a beautiful place.  i have great friends who i wouldn’t have met otherwise.  i finally know what it is i want to spend my life doing.  there is virtually nothing i have to complain about.  virtually.

while i may have given away more than just a summary of an essay i’m writing, i feel, in light of certain recent conversations, that i put this out there;  i do not hate my life.  i do not hate myself.  i am quite a fantastic person, if you want to know the truth.  the fact of the matter is, however, that as a result of this course my life has taken, i may move forward without some things i’ve always wanted.  no one’s life is perfect and no one’s life is without some disappointment.  life is full of small disappointments.  what matters is how we deal with them.

when the aforementioned essay is completed, i’ll be sure to let you all know.

goodnight.