somehow the more i think about it the more appropriate it seems to be. it was a day full of surprises, scares, and dark thoughts. aside from the $1700 car repair bill, which is scary enough, my brain has been straddling two universes: this one in which disappointments frustrate and depress me and another in which i take those same disappointments more or less in stride.
let the horror story begin. monday night, maybe technically tuesday (halloween) morning, i sent an email to a girl. i had met her some time back, but it wasn’t until last weekend that i actually spent any real time with her. and i certainly never spoke to her before. it should go without saying, but i’ll say it anyway, she is adorible. and by the end of the weekend (having spent both friday and saturday night hanging out with her and other friends) i was intrigued. the email, having been written approximately 24 hours earlier, asked her out on a date.
the scary part isn’t that i asked (though it is a bit startling). the scary part is that there was very little fidgeting and worrying done on my part. in the past, this sort of action was preceded by days or even weeks of internal deliberation. i was interested and i (pretty much) just came out and asked.
this would certainly be a strange and spooky story if she had said ‘yes,’ but as it happens, i haven’t wandered totally into an alternate universe. my reality remains at least partially intact. where the universe does skew is at my response to this, yet another, crushing defeat at the hands of the opposite sex. i was not, i am not broken into little pieces of bitterness. i took the rejection in stride, even after thinking i might actually win around. i am not a broken, bitter little man all over again. sure, i’m disappointed, but not angry at my continuing string of bad luck. i’m not bitter at the entire female gender, as i would have once been. i’m still standing in once, mostly unaffected piece.
into what alternate reality have i stumbled? what kind of body snatcher has replaced the former me with the one sitting here now? what the hell has happened? mind you, i’m not complaining. i mean, not exactly. while this most recent response to rejection allows me to get back on the horse much more quickly, it is new, unfamiliar, and a little unsettling. i was used to the old bitter response. it was of course unhealthy, but it was nonetheless comfortable. i’m not sure how to process this new response. yes, i am just a bit freaked out.
still, i straddle the comfortable, familiar reality. i wonder silently if maybe i did or said something wrong. a little voice remains, questioning if i coudl have done anything differently. of course, the little voice can’t comprehend the notion that i’m just not her type.
as the day stretched into evening, i was shoved fully back into reality. surrounded by couples and people in love, i wondered if i’ll ever find someone myself. ahh, those thoughts are more familiar. and now, two day i have returned to my (relatively) old self.