4:11pm. i feel the itch to write, though i haven’t the faintest clue what i want to write about. there are things on my mind, things that have been gnawing at me, things i don’t really want to write about, honestly, because its really just the same old shit. i mean, how much time can one person spend thinking about the same thing? well, i don’t have any answer to that yet, but when i figure it out, i’ll be sure to let all of you know. it’s a question i’m sure you all need an answer to.
ok, here’s something for you to chew on for a bit. i saw this great movie about a week ago: garden state. first of all, everyone should see it. i’m not kidding. if you haven’t seen it, go. go now! garden state is one of those movies that doesn’t impact you right away, but stays with you nonetheless and begins to fester under your skin and in your brain. this is what’s happening to me.
to be honest, though, it’s not a feeling that i’m unaccustomed to. actually, it’s a feeling that i’ve had, off and on, for the last six months, or so. it’s like my brain is on the verge of solving some great puzzle, some great mystery. oh, here, this is a better description. it’s like when someone asks you the name of a certain band, or the name of a certain actor and you know the answer, but it won’t come to you; “it’s on the tip of my tongue.†that’s what it feels like: there is some answer to some life key, and it’s on the tip of my brain.
and that’s why this movie, garden state, is affecting me the way it is. the movie is about figuring out life: what life’s all about, what happiness is, how we should be living, etc. (of course, the fact that natalie portman plays the love interest doesn’t hurt either). at first the ending, i thought, was a bit weak, a bit stale. but, without giving it away (go see it!), the more i think about it, the more i think it’s a fitting ending to the movie. ok, so i’ll kinda give it away; there’s no easy way and there’s no quick fix.
life is a struggle. that’s how it’s supposed to be. i think the key, the not to simple trick, is to accept that it’s a struggle. it’s going to be hard. there are going to be parts that make you furious, make you cry, and parts that make you laugh. so, if you embrace the struggle, if you can enjoy the ride, then you’re doing alright, i think. if you can do this, then, as philosophic as it sounds, life will just sort of flow thru you. when that happens, you’ll come to enjoy the struggle. you’ll come to enjoy the furious moments, the crying moments, and the laughing moments. it’s the embracing, though, that i think i’m having trouble with, but like i said, that’s the not so easy trick.
so, then, how does one go about embracing the struggle and letting life just flow through you? how does one come to enjoy the crappy moments right along with the marvelous moments? well, i don’t know. i’m still working on it, but that’s not to say that i don’t have some thoughts….
in theory, it seems like it should be a pretty thing to do. all you have to do is accept the good with the bad. you have to learn to roll with the punches, so to speak. it’s not even so much a matter of looking on the bright side of things; for some things, there just is no bright side. instead, you have to understand that bad things are going to happen. some things just aren’t going to go the way you want them to. i think the trick is to do those things anyway, even if you don’t think it’ll work out. it’s the experience you have to look forward to.
my problem is i spend too much time thinking about how things won’t work out the way i’d like them to. or i won’t do something because i don’t think i’ll be any good at it: surfing, frisbee, swimming, etc. i mean, of course i’m not going to be good at these things right off the bat. they take work and practice. for some reason, i can’t get myself to keep with it long enough to get good….
what it really is is a mindset. i’m talking about a frame of mind completely different than i’ve had for the last 26 years. instead of doing a thing for the sake of doing it, i’ll think of reason for not doing it. and they’re not even good reasons: i’m too tired, i won’t enjoy it, there’ll be people i don’t know, i’ll look stupid, and so on. what i need to do is get over all those stupid reasons. i need to train my mind not to think those things, or at the very least train myself not to heed those thoughts.
but how do i do that? we come back to what it is i’ve been struggling with for the last several months. i have to overcome inertia. i have to train my will to be stronger than the horrible habits i’ve formed over the course of my life. i will admit that i’ve gotten slightly better at that since moving here, but not much.
in hawaii, i should be spending my weekends, or at least a large part of them, on the beach, or just outside. i should be swimming or surfing or kayaking or hiking. instead, i spend most of my weekends in my house, or in the coffee shop, sitting in front of my computer. has this machine become a crutch? have i inadvertently tethered myself to it, making it extremely difficult to get out? maybe just a little bit.
i mean, i enjoy computers and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. but i sometimes i use it as an excuse to not go outside, to not enjoy life. “we’re going surfing today, you wanna come with?†“i can’t today, i’ve got some things to do, maybe next time.†now, when i say ‘things to do’ what i mean is work on my website, or do some writing and those are both things i can do during the week, after my work day has ended.
the problem is, working on my website, or doing some writing will only take me two or three hours, at the most. that means they’re things i can do at night, before i go to bed. what’s worse is, when i use those excuses, it’s not even that i end up doing either of those things, i’ll usually end up on the couch, watching crap on television and not actually being the least bit productive.
so, i’m back to the original question; how do i train my mind to overcome inertia and habit? i think what’s so frustrating about the whole thing is that it’s really easy, at least in theory: just do it. don’t sit at home. don’t be tethered to the computer. don’t worry about failure. don’t worry about looking stupid. go live life and don’t sweat it.
i need a mental makeover, who wants to help?