so, yesterday wasn’t the best day for me. admittedly, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t so bad, but still, i left working angry, frustrated, and feeling particularly stupid.

i had made a stupid mistake in an email announcement, which in itself isn’t so bad, except it was an email that went out to nearly 18,000 people. to make matters worse, it was a mistake i’ve made before. see… the email system we use for mass mailings defaults to the last message and subject header as the previous email sent, which in this case was a July 4th announcement. so, while the body of the email was about some events taking place this weekend related to health care, the subject invited people to July 4th events.

it was a small mistake and was corrected (sort of), but it makes us look like we don’t know what we’re doing and makes me feel stupid. like i said, its a mistake i’ve made before, which makes it worse.

its the little mistakes that frustrate me the most, because i always feel like they’re the ones that can be avoided with a little bit of thought. i know the system defaults like that and i remembered that i’ve made that mistake in the past, but i did it again, nonetheless.

getting slightly chewed out by my boss didn’t bother me if for no other reason that i’m not sure i could have felt worse about it. my performance reflects poorly not just on me, but on him, and on the party.

and the thing about these sorts of stupid little mistakes is that they make me feel stupid, which then becomes self-doubt that just grows and grows. i start wondering whether or not i’m cut out for the kind of work that requires higher levels of planning and deductive reasoning…. should i just throw it in and hunker down for a career in the fast-food service industry?

is that silly? maybe, but this is a process that is the result of years of being convinced that i was no good and would never amount to anything.

i left work and headed to a meeting of the executive board of one of the organizations of which i am a member. i wasn’t looking forward to it simply because i was in a foul mood and just wanted to go home. however, after a beer, a bit of strategizing and talk story, the cloud had begun to lift a bit.

the meeting was on the windward side of the island and my drive home took me over the koolau mountains, my favorite hawaiian mountain range. even though it was dark, the drive through the mountains was so calming and i had one of those moments when i remember just how much i love it here.

and i smiled.

the day had been a crappy one and i had spent the previous several hours hating and doubting myself, but after a just a short drive over the koolaus all that faded away.

you know, i sometimes can’t help but wonder if two and a half years of therapy would have been nearly as effective if they’d taken place some place like ohio or kansas.