as 2006 has reached its conclusion, i find myself look back to last january. in some ways, it was the longest year of my life. in others ways, i struggle to figure out where it went. and in the midst of all this reflection, i’m continually returned to a single miraculous and startling thought: i am a different person from the one who started the year.

i toss the words around in my head, looking for some meaning, some understanding of what it means. i mean, i guess the statement is clear enough, but at the same time, it doesn’t even begin to encompass how i’ve changed or how i feel about it all. it’s kinda like waking up from a really long, vivid, and intense dream, one that leaves you rattled on incensed all day, or longer. have you ever had one of those dreams? well, i have, but my life is no dream and this past year certainly isn’t one.

it all started plainly enough and the new year came with little fanfare. of course, i had no idea what 2006 had in store for me and honestly hadn’t given it much thought. looking back, though, i can say there were two events that have pretty much changed my life forever. the first came early in the year, the second several months later. in some ways, linked, though they are bound together only loosely in my brain.

here is my attempt to post from my very cool, new phone. i don’t know how well its going to work. i’m keeping my fingers crossed.

during the last few days, aside from the prospect of not having a phone before the new year, i’ve been thinking about girls. i know, this comes as little surprise, but let me explain before you switch to your favorite porn site.

since the 7th grade, the number of girl friends i’ve had, i can count on one hand. (this bit will come as a surprise to many of you…) i’ve never kissed a girl and i’ve certainly never had sex (i’m pretty sure my mom will be proud about that last half). don’t ask me where it comes from, because after countless dollars spent on therapy and a dozen years thinking about it, i have no answer. i’m just phobic. i’ve always been. this is not the point i want to make; i digress.

i’ve always been uncomfortable when dealing with new girls (or new people for that matter). i’ve been on a mere few dates in my entire life and i can’t say that any of them went that well. when it comes to girls and the whole dating arena (game?), i’m just no good. think of any school dance you ever attended. now picture the geeks and losers standing by themselves in the corner, trying to look like they’re enjoying themselves. i was among them. as i’ve gotten older, however, i’ve gotten better at it (and psychologists around the world rejoice), but am still mostly awkward and uncomfortable.

i’ve come to realize recently (though i’ve always sort of believed it) that i am going to be single and lonely for the rest of my natural days. now i have friends who i’m sure are going to argue with me on this and that’s fine. i’m at peace (mostly) with this reality that is my life. they’ll call me a pessimist. they’ll say this thinking is self-defeating and self-fullfilling. and in some ways, they’re correct, but this does not make me a pessimist.

for years, i’ve contended that i am a realist. the world is cold and brutal and i have no illusions that it is anything but. john cusack’s character in high fidelity has a great line that i have come to embrace. i’m not going to quote it here, but will sum it up; all around, i’m probably a five for six on a scale from one to 10. i’m not the worst guy out there, i’m not totally undatable, but i’m certainly not a top-rate, prime catch. i’m a middle weight. and that’s fine, i’m not sure i want to be anything else. but most of the girls i’ve been interested in or attracted to have been out of my weight class. a middle class fighter will never beat a heavy-weight and, on the flip side, a heavy-weight would never take a fight with a middle-weight.

i fully admit that i am aiming for girls outside my weight class. i wouldn’t have it any other way. i freely admit that my standards regarding girls is relatively high (as it is with my friends) and having said this, i have to prepare myself for the fact that i will never get the kind of girl that i am aiming for. simply put, it defies probability. that’s reality.

sure, i could lower my standards and improve my chances for a meaningful relationship accordingly, but why would i do that? why should i settle for less? if you have a reason, i’m willing to listen, i’m not sure you could convince me, though. so, given this, the realist in me is preparing for a long and lonely life. i will most likely never have a long-term meaningful relationship. i will most likely never give my parents any grandchildren. i will spend the rest of my life enjoying my time with family and close friends.

if you aim for the stars, that’s great, don’t stop. all i’m saying is be prepared for a long and hard fall. that’s not pessimism. i’m just being realistic about the decisions i’ve made about my life and the girls i find to be interesting and attractive.

take this for what you will, but let me say one more thing; what i hate more than being called cute is being felt sorry for. i have very few regrets about my life and don’t need pity. i felt i needed to say that, just to make it clear. i just felt it important to get these thoughts out of my head and what better way to do that than share them with the whole world.

goodnight.

on december 9, 2006 i saw one of the greatest concert performances of my life. in fact, i’ve been thinking about it all week and i have to say it was number two: right behind pink floyd, of course….

the day started, honestly, shortly after i woke up from a previous night’s birthday celebration. after a quick jaunt to the airport, i met up with liann, kevin, kellee, and another friend of theirs (who’s name, i’m embarassed to say, i have forgotten). we left the house with a cooler full of goodies (beer which we weren’t allowed to drink) and headed out to meet friends of kevin who were also concert goers that day. we spent a few hours ‘tail-gating,’ which is slang for hanging out in a partking lot, before meeting 45,000 others at aloha statium for the show.

our tickets had been purchased way back in february or march for the show (which was originally scheduled for april). i had gotten a ticket sitting in the stands with some of kevin’s friends, which the rest were going to be one the field. to be honest, i wasn’t particularly thrilled with that arrangement, but i have to say i was just glad to have a ticket.

so, we arrived at aloha stadium and kellee, kevin’s sister (who is both cool and cute) decided it was her mission to get me on to the field with the rest of them. i admit i had my doubts about my chances, but the stars were aligned, or something, because it all worked out remarkably well. kellee told one of the security guards that i was her fiance and that i had proposed to her while one was playing. i don’t honestly think he bought it (if for no other reason than i’m a terrible liar and he could see it in my face, even though tried to play along). at that time there just happened to be a woman standing there, chatting with one of the ushers, who overheard our ‘story.’ she bought it because she GAVE me a spare field ticket she happened to have. from then on, i knew it was going to be an unforgettable night.

and it was. i was with some of my closest friends watching this increadible show…. now, i have to admit that i’m not the biggest u2 fan (unlike kevin and his friend, who’s name i still can’t remember), but to say the show was impressive would be a gross understatement. they played all the songs i knew and were great performers, especially bono (though i wasn’t surprised by that). what i think really made the show for me was the political statment they made continuously throughout the show. there were such strong social justice and moral undertones to the entire show that, at one point, they displayed on the HUGE screen part of the universal declaration of human rights! who the fuck does that? do you know of another musical group as big as u2 who would have the balls to make such a presumption at one of their shows? i certainly don’t. it quite honestly made the show for me (i almost cried).

and pearl jam opened. they put on a good show, but i have to say they paled in comparison and as such have little to say about their performance.

after the show, we went for pancakes at wailana, but there was a huge line! and it was full of u2 concertgoers, grr! as hungry as we were, we decided against waiting our turn and opted for zippy’s, which turned out to be just fine and certainly hit the spot….

all in all a fantastic day and marvelous show. i feel this post doesn’t quite do it justice (on many levels for many reasons), but i’m just not quite sure how to put the experience into words. aside from the experience itself, here are the momentos i have:

and this wristband. you should get one.