as 2006 has reached its conclusion, i find myself look back to last january. in some ways, it was the longest year of my life. in others ways, i struggle to figure out where it went. and in the midst of all this reflection, i’m continually returned to a single miraculous and startling thought: i am a different person from the one who started the year.

i toss the words around in my head, looking for some meaning, some understanding of what it means. i mean, i guess the statement is clear enough, but at the same time, it doesn’t even begin to encompass how i’ve changed or how i feel about it all. it’s kinda like waking up from a really long, vivid, and intense dream, one that leaves you rattled on incensed all day, or longer. have you ever had one of those dreams? well, i have, but my life is no dream and this past year certainly isn’t one.

it all started plainly enough and the new year came with little fanfare. of course, i had no idea what 2006 had in store for me and honestly hadn’t given it much thought. looking back, though, i can say there were two events that have pretty much changed my life forever. the first came early in the year, the second several months later. in some ways, linked, though they are bound together only loosely in my brain.

in january, a friend of mine convinced me to go with him to an anti-war rally, at which cindy sheehan was the main attraction. don’t ask me why i decided to go along. i wasn’t particularly fond of rallies and i’m still not. maybe i went along for no better reason than i had nothing better to do that evening. so i went. at the event, there were all sorts of different groups with tables, handing out their literature, selling t-shirts or buttons, and trying to get people involved.

i’d wanted to get active in the political arena for a couple of years, but was just a bit disillusioned with the democratic party (honestly, i still am) and hadn’t done anything since 2004. one of the groups at the rally was the progressive democrats of hawaii (pdh). i browsed through their fliers and signed their e-mail list, not thinking much about it. at the time, i’m sure i had any idea what it might lead to.

the group had just recently organized and it turned out to be a great place for me to get started. i went to a meeting and immediately tried to take an active role. admittedly, the first couple of attempts were less than fruitful, but eventually i ended up working on the committee that was charged with writing the by-laws for the new organization. the committee was made up of long time political and social activists, campaigners, life long hawaii residents…, and me.

in a relatively short period of time, i had become one of the ‘planners’ for the organization and when the time came, i ran for a position on the group’s steering committee. i didn’t win, which was a bit of a downer,but both of the newly elected co-chairs told me they were disappointed that i didn’t win and that thet they thought i deserved to be on the steering committee, which i have to admit made me feel a bit better about the results.

i continued to play an active role in the organization and was eventually elected to the steering committee, to fill a vacancy.

in may, i attended the hawaii state democratic convention. it was my first and it was great and educational. i acted in the official capacity of the time keeper for the sessions, essentially telling people when they had to stop talking. the task itself wasn’t that excited, but it afforded me the opportunity to see and experience the proceedings from the dais, which i have to admit gave me quite a unique first time experience of the convention.

the convention officially kicked off the election season, and from the end of may until the election in november, it seems my was swept up in a whirlwind. i can’t even describe the whole experience except to say that i learned so much and met so many good and dedicated people. for the first time in my life, i felt like i contributed to and was a part of something so important and much bigger than myself. even though i had pretty much decided that i wanted a life and career in politics, my experience during this past election cycle really solidified that desire for me.

since the election, things have slowed down considerably and i’ve found myself with much more free time than i had previously. in some ways it’s nice, in others i miss the faster pace and the feeling that i’m spending my time doing important work. i don’t let it bother me too much, because i know (hope?) the work load will pick up once the ’07 legislative session begins in a few weeks.

2006 saw another change in my life from previous years. in the spring, i ended approximately two and a half years of therapy. it was an odd realization when both my doctor and i agreed that i had gotten gotten just about as much as i could from therapy; whatever worked remained i would need to do on my own. it’s a realization that i, at times, still have difficulty grasping. i mean, i knew when i started therapy that it would eventually end, but i guess i thought about it more in an abstract sense. at the beginning and throughout, it just seemed like a distant reality, not something that would actually happen and when it did, i wasn’t quite sure how to react.

two and a half years of therapy changed me quite a bit, though there are days i wonder just how much i’ve really changed. i am at the same time both more confident and more relaxed. the things that used to bother me, the things that used to keep me up at night and hindered my interaction with people have all but vanished. what shyness, awkwardness, or social discomfort remains i’ve accepted as simply a part of my personality and it doesn’t bother me anymore.

i think the biggest thing that therapy did for me was make me more comfortable with myself. i no longer feel the need to always be doing something social; if i spend an evening at home by myself it’s no big deal. and i don’t worry so much about what others think of me. it has come as some cost. as a result of my personality shift, i’m not as close to one of my oldest and best friends as i once was. he was the main reason i moved to hawaii and we used to spend much more time together that we do now. the reasons are clear; we enjoy doing different things now and as a result have different social circles. for the first couple years i was here, i was merely tagging along when he went out. i didn’t really feel i had any activities or friends of my own. now i do. it’s a result i never could have predicted, but now that it’s happened, i don’t see how things could have turned out differently.

between my life in politics and my own group of friends, i’m much more sociable than i used to be, though i still have a bit of a hard time in conversations with new people, or starting conversations with new people. i’m shy by nature and i’ve come to accept that as simply part of who i am. it doesn’t bother me like it once did.

now, this isn’t to say that i’m completely fixed and have no issues left to work on, quite the contrary. i do still feel i have work to do when it comes to interacting in groups and conversing with people i don’t know well. some times i do better than others, but i do feel i’m continuing to make small steps forward. even in the arena of girls and dating, i’m doing better, even if just a bit.

for years and years, i’ve wanted a girlfriend because i thought it was a surefire way for me to feel better about myself. well, clearly that’s not a good reason and since the end of my therapy, that desire has all but vanished. of course there’s a part of me that really wants to be in a relationship, but i no longer let that longing define me. i’ve, for all intents and purposes, stopped looking for a girlfriend and a relationship. for one thing, i like my life and am happy and so don’t have that same need that i once did. for another, given my remaining social awkwardness, i’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it’s quite likely that i will remain single through much of my adult life, if not for the rest of it.

sure, i’ll admit that bothers me a bit, but not like it used to. sometimes reality is hard to swallow, but like i said, i like my life and accept that the path of my life may have things in store for me that don’t include a relationship, marriage, or children. this possibility no longer wakes me at night…. this doesn’t mean that i don’t try. what it means is, when i do try i don’t shatter when it doesn’t work the way i’d like. of course, i have friends and family who are a bit saddened by this outlook. they insist i’ll find someone. and it’s not that i doubt them, it’s just that i don’t believe it as absolutely as they seem to and i won’t be disappointed (too much) if they do indeed turn out to be wrong. in all honesty, i simply try not to dwell on it too much. there are far more important and practical things to which to devote my time and thoughts.

2006 is officially a thing of the past and i am, possibly for the first time ever, looking forward to what this new year has in store for me. and i’m not worried. i think new years resolutions are generally silly. however, there is, among all the things i hope for this year, something that sticks out at the front of my brain. it has been a hope since i arrived in hawaii and will continue to be such:

i hope for a renewed friendship with katie.

happy new year everyone.