Two decades ago this past October, I packed a suitcase, took the longest flight of my life, and moved to one of the most remote places on the planet.

I did it because I desperately needed a change. I had no idea at the time what that would come to mean for me.

Holding Pattern

17 months prior, I had barely managed to graduate from Miami University after the worst year of my life. I had my heart broken and smashed to smithereens. My world had collapsed and though I had graduated, I had no plan. No prospects or idea what to do or where to go next.

I stayed in Oxford for that reason. Clinging to a life that was both meaningless and familiar. Many of my college friends hadn’t yet graduated. So unable to think about what to do next, I lived in a holding pattern of my college days.

One last crushing encounter forced drastic action.

My father, in an attempt to break the terrible cycle, suggested I move to Hawaii. He offered me a one-way ticket to the islands where one of my best and oldest friends was finishing his Masters’s degree. Desperate to get away from the girl who kept breaking my heart, I agreed.

Everything I owned was hastily packed into a local friend’s family traveler van. Then we drove the 10 hours to my childhood home and I began the long process of putting myself back together.

A Different World

Arriving in Honolulu with one suitcase and one backpack, I remember being surprised by the city. I arrived at night, so I wouldn’t experience my new surroundings until the next day. Still, I was excited to be in these new surroundings and though I was exhausted from the 11-hour flight, I had one thing I wanted to do before a long night’s sleep in my new home.

I wanted to dip my feet in the ocean.

My friend and roommate accommodated me and I visited Waikiki for the first time. We walked to the beach and I quickly removed my shoes and socks. I remember being so happy in that moment as I felt the sand and sea on my feet.

The mix of joy, sadness, fear, excitement, and sense of the unknown future swirled around inside my brain. I had no idea what was in store for me in this new place. I had no job prospects, no plan, and just one friend.

Still depressed and reeling from the crushing disappointment I had left behind, I felt a sense of possibility for the first time in a long time.

I spent the next few months spent exploring Honolulu, getting comfortable with my new surroundings, and meeting my roommate’s friends and making them my own.

We had found a house to rent in Kaimuki. My new neighborhood and the area in which I still live today. I spent a lot of time at Coffee Talk with my computer. Writing and applying for jobs.

After a few months, I eventually found a job working at a local health insurance company. It was a fine job. Definitely not what I wanted in terms a career, but I was able to pay my bills. It was a step toward building my life here.

It Almost Ended

After a couple of years, I had settled into a routine. My new surroundings, my new life. I can’t say I was “happy” at that point, but I was moving in the right direction.

Then, in the winter of 2004, my grandmother died.

It wasn’t a surprise. She had been declining for years suffering from Alzheimer’s. Still, it was a shock.

I remember getting the call from my father while I was at work. When I came back from the call, I told my boss, collected my things and went home. I was on the first available flight out to St. Louis. Where she had spent almost her entire life and where she would be buried.

I spent, I think, close to a week back in the midwest. Sitting shiva. Enjoying catching up with family, despite the circumstances. I wasn’t yet returning to the continent on a regular basis, so it had been a couple of years since I’d seen some of them.

But it wasn’t her passing that really hit hard for me. It was living so far away and being reminded of the joy family can bring. As the gatherings grew smaller and people returned to their lives, a dread of returning to Hawaii began to grow in me.

Though I had friends and something resembling a life there, it still felt foreign. And with one grandparent remaining, I decided it was time to move back from the islands. To where? I had no idea. To do what?

I remember telling my parents I thought it was time to come back. I remember the sick and lonely feeling that lingered with me after my grandma’s funeral. Of all my time in Hawaii, it was the hardest.

Settling In, Charting a New Path

Despite the strong urge to retreat closer to family, I stuck it out in the islands. I don’t recall what made me stay. Probably inertia. I sometimes think how different my life might be now if I had, in fact, returned to the continent….

It was also around this time I became more interested in politics and began to get involved locally. I didn’t know it would change my whole life.

Though the 2000 Presidential Election had activated me in a way, I was still watching from the sidelines. Then I read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States. That book, more than anything else, changed my worldview, and opened my eyes.

Without really knowing it, my politics had always been pretty left-leaning. And even back then I wasn’t a huge fan of the Democratic Party. Even though I had decided I wanted to get more involved in politics, I spent months contemplating. The Democratic Party or the Green Party.

The Green Party was much closer to where I was on the political spectrum, but I’d seen them as largely ineffectual. I was included in all those that blamed 3rd party voters for the 2000 Presidential Election outcome. On the other hand, the Democratic Party was bought and owned by corporate interests. They were middle-of-the-road at best.

Luckily during my pondering, I read the platform for the Democratic Party of Hawaii (DPH). It was much closer to what I believed and thought it might be a place for me. Add to that the notion that I’d rather work to improve things from the inside than criticize and “throw stones” from the benches.

So, I jumped in with both feet. I joined the Democratic Party of Hawaii and got to work.

Doubling Down on a Meaningful, but Challenging Career

After a few years of volunteer advocacy, I made a decision.

Since becoming politically active, I had helped start and build Progressive Democrats of Hawaii. I volunteered on my first political campaign. And I had helped found the organization that would become Equality Hawaii. I enjoyed every minute of that work and wanted it to be more than a hobby.

When a job opened up to be the Office Manager for the DPH, I jumped at it. I got the job and my career transition from systems administration to politics had begun. The job with DPH was admittedly short-lived. I think I was there for about a year when the Chair at the time fired me. Officially, I was “let go” for a lack of funds to pay my position, but within months, the role was filled again. By someone the Chair found less objectionable.

After a few months of unemployment, I went to work as session staff for a State Representative and got my first taste of Capitol politics and machinations. I loved it. And I loved the Representative I worked for and the rest of her staff. It was a great experience and I was hooked. I knew it’s what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

That was 2009. When the job ended that May, it was the height of the Great Recession and I would spend the better part of the next two years collecting unemployment. While looking for work, I buried myself in Equality Hawaii and the effort to pass marriage equality in Hawaii.

Trading Relationships for Career

One of the goals I had when I came to Hawaii was to… well… sort myself out.

I had been depressed for most of my life and the last couple of years in Oxford, OH had left me pretty broken. I needed therapy to deal with the laundry list of issues I had. Among them were almost crippling shyness, depression, and a longing to understand why I was so bad with the opposite sex.

I hated the idea of “shopping for a shrink”. So, when a friend gave me a referral, I took it as an opportunity. And I got incredibly lucky. For the next 15 years, or so, I would see that psychologist off and on twice a month.

Though I didn’t get out of it exactly what I wanted, I definitely got what I needed. I learned to accept myself for who I am. In time I would even come to like myself. I still struggle with self-confidence and a persistent case of imposter syndrome. But I might be the most confident self-doubting individual I know.

It’s a very strange dichotomy.

Within the first years of my ongoing therapy, I decided to give up on being coupled. Persistent self-doubt and a crippling fear of rejection or embarrassment at the hands of someone I “like” forced me to abandon the idea. In the 20 years I’ve been in Hawaii, I’ve had two dates. Two.

It hasn’t been all bad.

In a lot of ways, I love my life. Absent girlfriend, wife, or kids, I can focus on the things I want. Being uncoupled, I’ve been able to take career risks that I couldn’t if I had to worry about providing for anyone else.

Loneliness is an issue now and again, but I accept it as a consequence of the choices I’ve made.

20 Years Flew By

Originally, I never intended to make Hawaii my long-time home. And I can’t believe it’s been 20 years.

Despite its glaring flaws (high cost of living and remote location), I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

Sure, I don’t handle change well. The few times I’ve seriously considered returning to the continent I’ve been filled with anxiety and sorrow. For better or worse, Hawaii is my home. I’ve now lived here longer than anywhere else in my entire life. If that doesn’t make this place home, then I’ll never have one.

Life here has had its ups and downs. And I expect it’s had more challenges than if I lived somewhere else. But this place is special to me for so many reasons.

Personally, I found myself here. I grew to like myself here. I found confidence here. And I found a career here and work of which I can be proud.

Sure, I don’t take advantage of the beach, the ocean, or the mountains nearly as much as I should. I appreciate them just the same. There’s nothing quite like a swim in the ocean. Even a brief one.

Hawaii’s isolated location, culture, and history are also reasons why this place is so special. I love that I’m a minority here. The mix of traditions, cultures. I love the way people (mostly) treat each other with caring respect. The Aloha Spirit is real and lives in this place.

I cannot deny the possibility that I may leave this place one day. As my parents age and my nieces and nephews get older, there may be very good reasons for me to return to the midwest. Really any place on the continent would be closer than here.

That day hasn’t arrived yet and I will continue to happily call this place home until it does.