While participating in a national training for progressive campaign managers, I heard for the first time a phrase that clicked a light switch in my head: imposter syndrome. As described during one of the training sessions, imposter syndrome is a feeling that you’re not good enough, qualified enough, or experienced enough to do the work.

What Is It?

As it was described to me, it was like someone had peered into my brain. I had no idea that this feeling I’ve experienced for years, was an actual thing. A thing with a name and a definition. I’ve never really be much moved by the “you’re not alone” sentiment. But knowing that I’m not crazy, at least in one instance, is comforting.

I began to try to learn more about this concept. Here’s a fairly straightforward description from Psychology Today:

People who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them. Those with imposter syndrome are often well accomplished; they hold high office or have numerous academic degrees.

While I certainly don’t hold “high office,” I am proud to have received a Masters Degree from George Washington University.

The Expert

Upon further “googling,” I came across this article, which says there are “5 different types of imposter syndrome”. Rather than go through each type here, which isn’t really the point of this post, I’ll cut straight to the end: I’m “an expert.”

Experts measure their competence based on “what” and “how much” they know or can do. Believing they will never know enough, they fear being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable.

– Do you shy away from applying to job postings unless you meet every single education requirement?
– Are you constantly seeking out trainings or certifications because you think you need to improve your skills in order to succeed?
– Even if you’ve been in your role for some time, can you relate to feeling like you stll don’t know “enough?”
– Do you shudder when someone says you’re an expert?

Yes! Yes to all these.

There are caveats, of course. For example, one of the reasons I am often enrolling in different training programs isn’t just a matter of needing to succeed. I like to learn new things in my field and often a great way to do that is through training programs. Even if much included in the training isn’t new.

I also like jobs that are somewhat challenging. I want to be growing in my field and moving up.

I do often “shudder when someone says I’m an expert.” It’s a weird concept for me. Even if there are moments when I do think of myself as an expert.

I’ve managed or helped manage, a half-a-dozen or so candidate campaigns over the years. Not to mention my master’s degree is essentially in campaign management. There’s a part of me that knows how to run a campaign, but I nonetheless often feel inadequate or inexperienced.

Dichotomy

Where I think this “imposter syndrome” doesn’t necessarily apply to me is the fact that my brain can hold two contradictory thoughts on this. On many of my traits, both personal and professional.

For example, I do often feel like “the expert imposter”. But I also can be quite confident in my abilities and experience. I do know what I’m talking about and can sometimes confidently say I am an expert in my field. At least in my home of Hawaii. I’m smart and capable. Though maybe not “accomplished.”

It’s a weird dichotomy and strange feeling to be at the same time professionally confident and not. The polarity extends beyond my professional life and gives further evidence that the “imposter syndrome diagnosis” may not be entirely accurate.

Readers of my blog know well my life-long struggle with varying levels of depression. For a long time that depressive state manifested with a deep feeling of self-doubt. Even self-dislike. I used to find it baffling when people expressed a fondness for me. I don’t find it nearly as baffling as I once did. It nonetheless surprises me every now and then.

Deep Seated Self-Doubt

Perhaps the best example comes from a period right before I first moved to Hawaii.

I briefly took a job at St. Paul Children’s Hospital in the Pediatric Epilepsy unit. My dad was a doctor there. While I remember enjoying the job, I didn’t really socialize with nurses or other staff on the unit. As I do, I kept mostly to myself.

To this day, my dad tells me how the nurses ask about me and remember me with fondness. It’s baffling to me and more than a little embarrassing. I don’t have the faintest clue what I did to make such a lasting impression. I couldn’t tell you the name of a single one of the people with whom I worked for months.

Also, I’ve never seriously dated. There’s a myriad of reasons for this. One relevant here is my belief that I’m neither interesting enough nor attractive enough to compete. Certainly not as I get older and the “field” narrows.

I recently had a conversation with a woman on whom I used to have a crush. We were talking about my single status and my pretty staunch opposition to dating. Especially at this point in my life. It simply requires more effort and energy than I’m willing to expend. Despite that, I confidently told her that “I’d be a catch.” I’m smart, funny, and compassionate.

There’s certainly a part of me that genuinely believes that. Though that deep-seated self-doubt is constantly in struggle inside my brain with that other part.

Pushing Through

Whether my relative discomfort with praise and feelings of professional inadequacy are a function of “imposter syndrome” or my life-long dysthymia and self-doubt is hard to say.

Whatever the case may be, I know I have to keep trying to push through all of it. That I’ve experienced these feelings off and on for the majority of my life is frustrating. But I’ve learned to… surf the lows and highs of my brain’s emotional currents. Certainly some days are harder than others. When it becomes necessary, I retreat from the world and know that I’ll see the other side and move on.

The worst thing I can do is settle. Stop trying. Stop struggling with these issues. When it comes to feelings of being an “impostor,” the best thing to do is acknowledge those voices in my head. But not be completely governed by them. I also acknowledge those contradictory voices and do my best to know that I am capable of so much.