i’m returning to a theme i wrote about years ago (yes, i occasionally check history to see whether i’m repeating myself). honestly, i’m amazed i can recall, even vaguely, about a post i wrote nearly five years ago. i guess it’s good that i can sometimes amaze myself….

while helping a friend with her computer troubles, i found myself defending my blog. my ability to post what i want. the circumstances of the conversation itself hit right at the heart of the subject of this post and so i’m not sure i’ll be giving more details than this.

i’ve been thinking about it more this evening and have come to a conclusion. in some strange form, this blog has become an outlet for me. it has become a way to try and work out things going on in my life. my issues, fears, blah blah blah. it is cheap, very cheap therapy. for what i was spending per session with my doctor, i’m now spending per year on this blog. if that’s not a smart investment, i don’t know what is.

but it seems, i’ve found myself in a bind again (refer to the really old post). in order for this blog to truly be an outlet for me, if this is supoosed to be my therapy, i have to be able to write about the things that are bothering me.

the problem is an odd sort of catch-22 (i never read the book). its entirely possible the reason i’m in the current predicament is because of a post i wrote a couple of weeks ago. admittedly, at the time i suspected it might cause me problems, but, at least initially, seemed to be mistaken. now, it seems, my relief may have been premature.

what’s more, i’m now feeling like i can’t fully express my problem (dilemma?) here because of further complications such a post might cause. it seems my readership is slowly growing, and i’m once again finding myself with bound hands preventing me from saying what i want to say. of course, i can try and resolve the problem in the real world, but let’s be honest, typing words in cyberspace is SO much easier.

and so i’ve come full circle to a question i asked my self what seems like a whole lifetime ago; where do i draw the line? on the one hand, i feel i should place some restrictions on what i say here not only for the sake of others, but for my own as well. of course, on the other hand this blog won’t be terribly theraputic if i have to constantly second guess what i should and shouldn’t be saying here.

dammit! i’m confounded. for now, i think i’ll put off additional therapy for another time, perhaps in the hopes that things will in fact work themselves out in the real world, thus removing the immediate necessity. for my part, i’m not terribly confident at this point that it will go that way….

let me conclude by randomly and simply saying this: i think i’ve missed the boat. yet again.