somehow the more i think about it the more appropriate it seems to be.  it was a day full of surprises, scares, and dark thoughts.  aside from the $1700 car repair bill, which is scary enough, my brain has been straddling two universes: this one in which disappointments frustrate and depress me and another in which i take those same disappointments more or less in stride.

let the horror story begin.  monday night, maybe technically tuesday (halloween) morning, i sent an email to a girl.  i had met her some time back, but it wasn’t until last weekend that i actually spent any real time with her.  and i certainly never spoke to her before.  it should go without saying, but i’ll say it anyway, she is adorible.  and by the end of the weekend (having spent both friday and saturday night hanging out with her and other friends) i was intrigued.  the email, having been written approximately 24 hours earlier, asked her out on a date.

the scary part isn’t that i asked (though it is a bit startling).  the scary part is that there was very little fidgeting and worrying done on my part.  in the past, this sort of action was preceded by days or even weeks of internal deliberation.  i was interested and i (pretty much) just came out and asked.

this would certainly be a strange and spooky story if she had said ‘yes,’ but as it happens, i haven’t wandered totally into an alternate universe.  my reality remains at least partially intact.  where the universe does skew is at my response to this, yet another, crushing defeat at the hands of the opposite sex.  i was not, i am not broken into little pieces of bitterness.  i took the rejection in stride, even after thinking i might actually win around.  i am not a broken, bitter little man all over again.  sure, i’m disappointed, but not angry at my continuing string of bad luck.  i’m not bitter at the entire female gender, as i would have once been.  i’m still standing in once, mostly unaffected piece.

into what alternate reality have i stumbled?  what kind of body snatcher has replaced the former me with the one sitting here now?  what the hell has happened?  mind you, i’m not complaining.  i mean, not exactly.  while this most recent response to rejection allows me to get back on the horse much more quickly, it is new, unfamiliar, and a little unsettling.  i was used to the old bitter response.  it was of course unhealthy, but it was nonetheless comfortable.  i’m not sure how to process this new response.  yes, i am just a bit freaked out.

still, i straddle the comfortable, familiar reality.  i wonder silently if maybe i did or said something wrong.  a little voice remains, questioning if i coudl have done anything differently.  of course, the little voice can’t comprehend the notion that i’m just not her type.

as the day stretched into evening, i was shoved fully back into reality.  surrounded by couples and people in love, i wondered if i’ll ever find someone myself.  ahh, those thoughts are more familiar.  and now, two day i have returned to my (relatively) old self.

i am a new man, unaffected (nearly) by the little things.  yeah, i know….  i’m a little freaked out too.

so, i have to admit that several months back (it may be closer to a year at this point) i signed with eharmony during a promotion in which they were offering discounted membership costs. maybe i did it because i’m jewish and i couldn’t pass up the deal. maybe i did it because i was going through the occasional bout of relationship longing (despiration?). i don’t know why i did it, and while the service did pick out a couple of girls for me, all of them were on the mainland and i didn’t see the point. when the promotion was over, i terminated my membership, though eharmony continues to keep my ‘file’ open in case i ever rejoin.

as a result, of course, i now get regular emails from the asking me to rejoin and emails informing me of the most current promotion. i’ve resisted reenrolling because i figure if they found any more girls, they’d all be on the mainland and i’d be out $50 bucks.

recently though, i’ve been thinking about giving another go. again, maybe it’s the jew in me, but when their regular membership fee is $40(approx.) a month and they’re offering me a three month membership for $50, i have to admit i have to force myself not to sign up again. the question is why? is it the money that i worry about? or is it something else?

since the internet became the place to find everything from wives to drugs to recipies for bombs, people have been heckled for using internet dating services. yes, i’ve been one of the hecklers, but i clearly have been among those heckled as well. and i’ve been trying to figure out why internet dating services are so looked down upon. is it because there is the notion that only losers who can’t get a date on their own turn to those services? i’m sure that may be the case, but more and more ‘average’ people have been using these various services to find mr. or mrs. right. and i’m not sure that there’s anything wrong with it. my mom met my step-dad at a jewish singles group, which as far as i’m concerned is the 80s equivalent to JDate.

i feel like at this point the only reason i haven’t reenrolled is because i’m fairly confident any girls directed my way would have mainland addresses. hawaii is a small place with a small dating pool. and the older i get, the harder i feel it is (will be) to find someone. so why shouldn’t i give it a try? i mean, despite their locations, some of the girls ‘matched’ to me seemed to have at least some potential (i gathered from their profiles/pictures). i still don’t plan on staying here forever (though one never really knows), so wouldn’t it make at least a bit of sense to give it a shot again, even if the pool of choices is on the mainland?

really, what i guess i’m looking for is a reasoned, sound argument for not ponying up another $50 for the promotional enrollment. to be perfectly honest, i can’t think of a single one other than at the end of three months i’ll be $50 poorer and in the same predicament. despite that, however, i figure that’s not much to lose for just trying.

the last few weeks have seen a strange realization.  i’ve been counciling one or two friends regarding some aspects of their lives and issues relating to relationships.  under normal circumstances this wouldn’t be anything strange, except that these are people i used to turn to for help and advice regarding my life.

since finishing my time with dr. welch, i’ve been growing a different view of my life and of the world, one that gives me more confidence and less stress.  now, i’m giving the same or similar words of advice to these friends that they used to give me.  to be honest, it’s a bit strange and unsettling.  when did i become the voice of reason?  when did i become such a stable pillar of advice?  don’t get me wrong, i’m not complaining.  in fact, i think its great that i can be a help to these people that were such a big help to me during the most difficult and confusing times in my life.  it just never occurred to me that this might happen.  i call it a side effect of being healthy.

i said the same thing when i first realized what it felt like to be happy.  i mean really happy.  it just kinda hit me one day.  ‘oh, this is what it feels like.’  of course, i always wanted to be happy and kinda figured that one day i would be, but when it actually happened, i was surprised and, to be honest, a little freaked out.  now the same is true about this most recent development.  it never occured to me that i’d be doling out advice on topics that i once sought council myself.

this is not to say that i am perfect or 100% healthy.  i still have my laundry list of issues relating to the social realm and to relationships.  and i’m not sure, given the necessity, that’d i’d be able to follow my own advice, but i just don’t worry nearly as much as i used to and i think that’s the best part of all.

while i was home i came across my old journal.  i thought it would be good idea, for posterity’s sake, to put them all on the computer and do a bit of gramatical editing.  i also thought it would be interesting to post the whole journal (with the exception of one entry) on my blog.

its going to take some time for me to get everything transfered to the blog and edit the code, but the first several entries are up.  take a look….  just remember that these were my inner most thoughts and when i wrote them i never imagined that i’d be sharing them with the world.

…yes i was one messed up puppy!