happy birthday to dean! let me just say that i didn’t get a chance to talk to all of his family, but i did have the opportunity to have a conversation with his grandmother. for an 81 year old lady, she still seems to kick it pretty good.

but, as i’m sure you’re guessing, this posting is not about dean and his family. i’ve recently come to the conclusion that i should be posting more often and that those postings should be no holds barred. i can’t be pulling punches. i can’t be sensoring myself, because if i do, then what’s the point of having a weblog at all? so, as i follow that credo from now on, here’s the scoop.

the subject at hand is one that has been a constant recurring theme in these postings. and while i run the risk of repeating myself… at this point i just don’t give a fuck. for those of you who don’t know, i’ve been seeing a shrink for a little over a year now. it’s an uphill battle, and while i have made some strides toward mental health, i’m not there yet. the events of this evening, however, make me question whether mental health is something i’m ever going to actually achieve.

the party was a pretty good size, much to dean’s credit, and while there were most people i didn’t know, or had ever seen before, there were a few people that i did know. having said that, i can’t strike up conversation with people i don’t know. even worse, the conversations with those strangers that i manager to talk to seem forced to me. artificial. i always feel like i come off boring and uninteresting. social situations like these make me horribly uncomfortable…. you know what, this isn’t what i really want to be talking about, though it is part of the issue. screw this storytelling shit, i’m just going to lay it out straight. right now i don’t have the patience with myself to give particularly unimportant details.

there was this girl at the party that i’ve been kinda interested in for some time. i didn’t go to the party for that reason alone, though it was certainly an added bonus…. or at least i thought it would be. the thing is, i didn’t really talk to her at all…. i can’t say that i really even tried. and that’s what’s at the real heart of this posting. i don’t really care if she reads it (though she most likely won’t).

i was excited to be able to see her and have the chance to talk to her…. yeah, except that i completely choked. completely! she was more or less surrounded by people she goes to school with. some i’d met before, others i hadn’t. i tried a couple of times to wiggle my way, so to speak, into their conversation, but wasn’t really successful either time. i just didn’t know what to do, or what to say. of course, the fact that they were talking about school related topics, i had no point of reference. i had no way to relate and there’s only so long i can stand in a group of people, not talking, before i feel completely awkward and uncomfortable and have to flee. and that’s what i did. i booked it out of there, both times. i was overcome with doubt and anxiety.

at this point, i don’t know what to do. i just want to curl up into a little ball and withdraw from the whole world. was it that bad, you might ask. well, it was, but add that to an already present anxiety about social functions and it’s amazing that i managed to stay as long as i did. that being said, i quit. i don’t want friends anymore. i don’t want social situations. just leave me along and let me drown in my own self-pity.

i’m just so tired of trying. i’m exhausted by the whole thing. so fine, things won’t work out with amy the way i’d like. i mean, i didn’t have much chance to begin with, but that still doesn’t make me feel any better about the fact that i couldn’t even try. i had maybe four conversations that lasted longer than a minute, three of them were with the same person. i just don’t want to bother anymore. i quit….

since i’ve pretty much given up on the notion that anyone is actually reading these things, i guess this posting is just for myself…. though one would have to ask ‘if no one is reading these things, then why are you spending the money for the member ship?’ i simply don’t know. maybe i’m hopeful?
yeah, i doubt that’s it.

anyway, here’s another uplifting post for my loyal readers (he says sarcastically). what does it mean when you can’t find a single good thing about your day to day life? i say day to day, because i refuse to say that my life as a whole sucks. well, to be honest, it might, but i’m not ready to concede the point, if for no other reason that i have such great and wonderful friends and family that i’m thankful for everyday. if it weren’t for them, i’d probably have slit my wrists years ago. but they keep me going: they make me laugh, they make me smile, and most importantly, they make me feel loved.
despite all this, i hate my daily life. i think there’s something wrong when you have to struggle every single day to find joy. and i do struggle, it’s just that most days, that struggle proves fruitless.
i don’t even know if i can find joy at this point. that’s not to say i don’t still have goals and things i want to do with my life, it’s just that even with those goals, i still expect my day to day life to remain the same.

having said that, let me say how frustrating it is to be regularly surrounded by people who are quite joyful on a daily basis. as if i didn’t feel bad about myself already, spending time with these people who are so comfortable and happy with themselves just seems to lend credibility to my discontent and disdain….

yeah, i’m tired.

there’s nothing like doing some writing to combat boredom. boredom and frustration. while my life continues to progress and change, i can’t help but feel stuck and alone. granted, these are feelings i’m used to and as such know how to deal with them. nonetheless i’m compelled to write.

in the last couple of years my writing has improved, if only just a bit, simply because of these feelings. i write more often than i once did, even though most of the time i don’t really feel like i’ve got anything to write about. tonight is no different. i don’t know that i’ve got anything particularly interesting or inspiring to say, but here i am writing just the same.

i think part of the reason i do more writing is that when i’m bored one of my favorite things to do is listen to music: just sit and listen. and since it’s easier to listen to mp3s than it is to flip in and out cds, i spend the majority of my bored hours in front of the computer. that being the case, i write. of course, i also like to type. there’s just something fluid about typing that i enjoy and as a result, my typing has improved as well.

now, i know none of you really care about my writing skills or the frequency of my writing, you’re here to see what i have to say. i guess, then, that i should stop with the jibber jabber and focus in on a topic for this most recent writing spree…. let’s see… well, i have a hard time making small talk when i’ve got something working in my brain (which is more often than you might think). the problem with that is twofold. for one thing, if i write about what’s really on my brain currently, i immediately place myself in the dilemma i wrote about in the previous posting. for another, i feel like its the same shit i always write about, in which case, you’ll probably find it terribly boring and pathetic. so what do i do?
i don’t know why i bother asking questions like that. none of you ever respond or make comments to what i write. let me say that’s a bit frustrating. my postings would more likely be diverse and interesting if you all made comments. right now i’ve got nothing to feed off of but my own self-deprecation. if you people actually contributed every now and then, that might be different. i guess it’s not good, though, to bad mouth your audience…. so, we’re back to coming up with a topic for this posting….

i can’t help but return to the dilemma at hand. do i post whatever it is i’m thinking and feeling regardless of the consequences, or do i sensor myself for the sake of ease and safety? a diary generally isn’t a thing for public consumption. the things you write in it are for your own sake and not for the eyes of others. isn’t that right? you have little girls all across the country with locks on their diaries so their brothers can’t read about the boy they like, or what they did the other day while her parents were out of the house.

of course, she keeps that diary locked because she’s afraid of getting grounded or being ridiculed. would she keep it so safe if she weren’t worried about the consequences of others reading such things. i do worry about the consequences, but the question is, should i worry? it’s the same thing, i worry about the girl i like reading the things i might write about her. i worry about how friends might take a posting about them.

i think the biggest concern comes from what might be a lack of context for a particular posting. they may read it and take more from it than was intended. they may also put their own interpretation on what it is i might write, without asking me about it. they might get creeped out by the things i think and feel. shock, surprise, anger… who knows what someone might feel after reading a posting that directly concerns them.

it would seem, after all this, that i should have no dilemma at all. i don’t want friends pissed at me and i don’t want to blow any chance i might have with a girl. just don’t post anything controversial. of course, that seems like the reasonable conclusion, but if i’m not going to be honest, if i’m not going to put myself out there all the way, then is there any point in me even having this site and posting these things? i would say no.

also, while its true that i do worry about these things, i wish that i didn’t. i don’t want to be thinking about what this or that person might say, or how they might react when they read a posting. i don’t want to be censored, even by myself. can i, then, deal with the chance that things might happen that i don’t want? can i deal with the idea that i might upset friends? obviously, i could keep going, but i think i’ve repeated myself for one posting. it’s clear at this point that this isn’t something that’s going to be resolved in one night….

so, i’ve got a bit of a dilemma. in truth, it’s a dilemma i’ve had since i started posting these things online. the idea of this online journal is that the people who come here and read it get a sense of what i’m about and who i am. the dilemma is this: do i sensor myself? the things i write about come straight from my gut, with little or no editing (hence any spelling or grammar mistakes). that can be dangerous, especially since i sometimes write about the people i know and the people i’m friends with… and so on.

now, there’s a good chance that none of the people i write about would come across anything i might say about them, because it seems there are very few people who actually check this page on a regular basis. nonetheless, the chance exists. for instance, i have a friend who recently got married and i think it was a bad idea. i wanted to post my thoughts and feelings on the subject, but ultimately decided against it because i didn’t want them mad at me as a result of what they might read. there are other things too… like if there’s a girl i’m interested in, i’m not sure it’s a good idea to say anything specific because they might choose to check out my site and read the particular entry which deals with them. without a context or an introduction, such entries can look a little strange to someone who may not know me that well.

having said all this, i go back to my original statement of censorship. if i’m picking and choosing what to post, then people are only getting a snapshot of who am i, because i’m editing myself. i know that’s something we all do, to some extent, but i don’t really like that philosophy. i’m supposed to be proud of who i am, right? so then, why should i care what someone thinks of me after they’ve read a little of what’s posted here? well, when it comes to girls i’m interested in, it could seriously hurt my chances. when it comes to friends, it has the potential to ruin a friendship. i don’t want either of those things to happen. so what do i do?

being someone who likes to write, someone who likes to purge their thoughts and feelings onto digital paper this second guessing, this worrying can quite a nucience. i’m not sure what to do. part of me wants to say ‘fuck it’ and just write whatever i feel. then there’s another part that doesn’t want to hurt my chances with a girl by saying something stupid and doesn’t want to hurt my friends by saying something that may not need to be said. of course i could just put all these things in writing and then just don’t post them, but doesn’t that ultimately defeat the purpose of the weblog? if i’m going to sensor myself, should i then just close the site and keep all my little thoughts to myself? i don’t know.
the ultimate reason for the existence of this site is to get input from those who might read it. so far, though, that hasn’t happened. on more than one occasion, i’ve asked for input and assistance from my readers (no matter how few they might be). of course, i don’t really expect at this point for any input from any of you (i know better by now), but as a writer and as someone who is constantly asking questions, i can’t help but put the question out there anyway.

do i stick to my gut and let the consequences be damned, or do i show discression for my own sake as well as the sake of those i care about? i’ll let you know what i decide.

20-somethings at chabad? really? who knew? granted, i’ve only been there once, but i got the distinct impression that it was a small group with no one younger than me but children, not to mention the total lack of girls. maybe i judged too quickly. but do i really want to date an orthodox girl? not really. don’t get me wrong, i was happy with jessica, but i didn’t really think of her as an orthodox girl. i still don’t. not really.

so, maybe its worth another shot, huh? i mean, i’d already been thinking that, and i don’t really expect to ‘meet’ anyone there anyway. let’s be honest, though, i don’t really expect to ‘meet’ anyone at all. i’ve more or less given up on the notion of ‘meeting’ someone. don’t get me wrong, i can’t deny the possibility exists, it’s always existed.

my previous notions of fate and destiny were fool hearty, arrogant. the idea was a foolish attempt to make myself feel better about my situation. i don’t think anything can do that except time. in time, i’ll be able to accept the lonely course my life has taken. i can only live each day in the hope that the next will be brighter (such the pathetic poet am i).

it’s a strange thing, though, i always feel confident, positive whenever i finish a session with my shrink. if only i could go everyday. if only i could hold on to that feeling of confidence, maybe i could change the course of my life.