since i’ve pretty much given up on the notion that anyone is actually reading these things, i guess this posting is just for myself…. though one would have to ask ‘if no one is reading these things, then why are you spending the money for the member ship?’ i simply don’t know. maybe i’m hopeful?
yeah, i doubt that’s it.

anyway, here’s another uplifting post for my loyal readers (he says sarcastically). what does it mean when you can’t find a single good thing about your day to day life? i say day to day, because i refuse to say that my life as a whole sucks. well, to be honest, it might, but i’m not ready to concede the point, if for no other reason that i have such great and wonderful friends and family that i’m thankful for everyday. if it weren’t for them, i’d probably have slit my wrists years ago. but they keep me going: they make me laugh, they make me smile, and most importantly, they make me feel loved.
despite all this, i hate my daily life. i think there’s something wrong when you have to struggle every single day to find joy. and i do struggle, it’s just that most days, that struggle proves fruitless.
i don’t even know if i can find joy at this point. that’s not to say i don’t still have goals and things i want to do with my life, it’s just that even with those goals, i still expect my day to day life to remain the same.

having said that, let me say how frustrating it is to be regularly surrounded by people who are quite joyful on a daily basis. as if i didn’t feel bad about myself already, spending time with these people who are so comfortable and happy with themselves just seems to lend credibility to my discontent and disdain….

yeah, i’m tired.