At the end of May, I turned 45. Somehow this birthday seems more of a milestone than 40 did. And though I like to take time around my birthdays to reflect on life, the universe, and everything, it’s been a couple of years since I wrote a birthday post.

The Past Year

Well, for starters, I spent a good chunk of it mostly unemployed. It seems to be a running theme recently. Despite my best efforts, I continue to get passed over for good, permanent jobs.

I worked the legislative session and, because it was an election year, I was fortunate to get some consulting business from a handful of candidate campaigns. Barely enough to eke out an existence, but so it goes. I still enjoy the work.

But as the Primary Election passed, so did most of that work. I began collecting unemployment insurance through Thanksgiving.

Common Cause Hawaii

During that time, I began a long, aggravating, and disappointing hiring process for Common Cause Hawaii. They were looking for a new Executive Director; a job I’m perfectly suited for.

The process not only took more than five months (I could have been applying for a Hawaii Civil Service job), but they also changed gears a couple of times which only added to the disappointment and aggravation. It also didn’t include a single person from Hawaii. While everyone on the hiring team was very nice, it became clear they weren’t interested in hiring anyone rooted in the islands. After doing everything I could to help fill the ED void during the process, they decided they wanted something “different”. In the end, they hired someone with virtually no political experience, management experience, or legislative experience. Unfortunately, I think it was yet another example of a mainland organization without connections to Hawaii making decisions.

It was heartbreaking. And maddening.

Another Office Manager Job

My fall-back had been to work for a newly elected State Representative. A great progressive leader with whom I have a good relationship. But in another hit to a struggling progressive faction at the Capitol, he lost. We were all stunned.

The loss wasn’t a reflection of him as a candidate. Or of his opponent. External forces played an outsized role in the outcome. We lost the chance for another strong, passionate progressive in the House. And I lost yet another job.

Instead, I took a job with another newly-elected Representative. I contacted them with some apprehension, but I needed a job and really thought it could be something good.

Unfortunately within a few weeks, two things became clear. One, despite no experience in the legislature, they believed they knew better than I the internal processes of the legislature. Two, that same intellectual elitism (without cause) led to any number of disagreements. All this led eventually to me being fired. I had a sense it was coming. And even if it weren’t, I was days away from quitting anyway.

I have no desire to work for someone in the building if they’re unwilling to acknowledge my experience and expertise. I’d had a job exactly like that just a year prior. I wasn’t doing that. Ever again.

Luckily, a couple of friends threw me a lifeline. I was able to return after the New Year once again as a Committee Clerk for the 2023 session.

Absconding to the Midwest

The loss of the Common Cause Hawaii job hit me quite hard. Even now I believe absolutely that I was perfect for that job. I would have loved it and been excellent in the role.

With no perceptible way forward, I felt completely stuck. I still do, to some extent.

When I shared the news about the loss of the opportunity with my father, he could hear the defeat in my voice. He insisted I take some time to visit them in St. Paul, MN. And so shortly after the end of the legislative session, I came to the Midwest to spend some time visiting. And contemplate next steps.

Even before I stepped off the plane in the land of 10,000 lakes, it was clear he had some ulterior motives. He’d very much like to see me return to the continent permanently. Preferably nearby in Minnesota. Chicago apparently would be OK too.

While I’ve not discounted the possibility of returning to the continent, it remains a much less desirable turn of events. However, in an effort to keep an open mind (and to humor him), I’ve looked for some opportunities there. He’s long insisted I should teach. Or work in a coffee shop. It seems really anything other than politics would be preferable.

I don’t think he takes seriously what I do (or try to do) for a living. Politics for me isn’t a hobby. But a career. Sure, not a very successful career. But a career all the same. Despite employment evidence to the contrary, I’m good at it. And most importantly for me, I very much enjoy the work.

The Next Year

I Need a Fucking Job

Certainly finding a job will be priority #1. But even that is potentially tricky.

There’s a part of me that thinks I should find “just any job.” For the sake of a salary and health insurance. On the other hand, I worry that adding to my resume a job wholly unrelated to my field will make me even more un-hirable in politics.

With Hawaii’s election season kicking off in just a couple of months, there may be some consulting work on the horizon. Which of course would be good. But temporary. In the outcome of the 2024 elections may lie yet another Office Manager position. For someone I would love to work for, but I’ve fallen into that trap before. I’m not sure I like the idea of “treading water” for the next 15 months awaiting the outcome. Especially if it goes the other way.

It very much feels like I have no good choices. This isn’t a particularly new position for me to be in, but it is getting old.

It wasn’t that long ago that I liked the idea of job-hopping. It kept things interesting for me and provided new opportunities for new experiences and new skills to develop. However, after a few years with no real success to show for the job-hopping and instability that accompanies it, I’m over it. At 45, I’m ready for a steady, long-term job. Ideally, one of which I can be proud and enjoy.

At the moment, there are few prospects locally. Being practical, I cannot in good conscience overlook potential opportunities on the continent. I love it here, but Hawaii doesn’t make it easy.

Hobbies

There really isn’t much to say here. The hobbies for which I have the most passion aren’t cheap.

Photography can, I guess, be done with little in the way of financial resources, but the enjoyment is lessened. Without the ability to print or otherwise move pictures from the digital realm to the tactile one, there seems little point in it to me. Which isn’t to say I don’t enjoy it when I take the time. But my choice of tools is limited: a Canon with one lens and a Lumix mirrorless that leaves something to be desired.

The other is music. Or the collection of it.

Recently I was incredibly lucky to have friends who gifted me a turntable. Something I’ve wanted for years, but could never justify the expense. And now that I have one, I have a persistent itch to buy vinyl records. But they’re not necessarily cheap either. So far I just have two, but am eager to grow my collection. I’ve been looking at subscription programs. I also recently visited a local music shop (I LOVE that one exists here!) to peruse their collection of used records.

There’s also the conundrum of buying vinyl versus digital. I love that I have a record player now (and it’s Bluetooth-capable). But records aren’t easily convertible to a digital format like CDs are. So buying new albums potentially means buying them twice so I can listen to them in the car and on my phone when I’m out and about. While I suspect there is a way to convert them, I haven’t yet found it.

While I’ve never been driven by the desire for money, having a well-paying job for once in my life would mean I could dive more deeply into the hobbies I’ve for years mostly just dabbled.

Health

Those who know me know that I have Crohn’s Disease and have struggled with depression off and on for most of my life.

My Crohn’s is mostly under control with a combination of medications and biennial colonoscopies. Because it is chronic with no known cure, it’s always there at the edges of my mind. Mostly, though, it doesn’t affect my daily life.

Depression is a different story. Mine tends to come and go and is mostly, relatively, mild. At one point I was diagnosed with Dysthymia. It seems like an apt diagnosis. I’m still able to function, even at its worst. I don’t spend days in bed. For me, the depressive episodes devour all motivation to do anything. Which is a hard irony; I feel my best and am happiest when I feel productive. So in my episodes, it all becomes a painful cycle of having no motivation to be productive, then feeling worse because I can’t get anything done.

I’ve largely learned how to cope with these episodes and do my best to ride them out. I know they’ll eventually end.

But the disappointment at the loss of the Common Cause job lingers and hasn’t devoured my motivation to move forward. But it certainly chips away at it.

Beyond all that, I’m overweight, have high blood pressure, and am pre-pre-diabetic. None of which is good. I don’t feel like I eat particularly badly, other than I eat more than I should; for me a symptom of boredom.

At the top of the list of purchases when my financial situation stabilizes is a rowing machine. Having tried gym memberships in the past, I can say I’m not a fan. Not only does it require motivation to get out of the house, but means dealing with other, healthier, gym-goers. Having something I can do at home seems a good solution. And I’ve got one picked out, but at approximately $60/mo., it has to wait.

Forty-Five

It’s hard to be optimistic about my next year around the sun, but I’m doing my best.

I’ve written in the past about choices and consequences. I don’t necessarily regret any of the choices I’ve made in my life. That those choices haven’t led to the life I want has been frustrating.

Still, I don’t see that giving up is an option. If I were to pack up from Hawaii, my chosen profession, I’d be miserable. I’d feel defeated and like a failure. So while my life seems to be a constant struggle, I’m not sure better alternatives exist.

I will continue to pursue the life I want. No matter how hard it might be.