it’s been a while since i felt like this, maybe a couple of years.  i thought i was done with these sorts of mood shifts, but i guess one in more than two years isn’t all that bad.  even though this is a familiar feeling, i think i can better describe it than maybe i could in the past.

it’s like something that starts out as a small, quiet, occasional rumble in my brain; it’s a problem i can’t solve.  it reminds me of a joke by lewis black about the girl who says “if it weren’t for my horse, i wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”  if you don’t know the joke, go try and find it, it’s pretty fucking funny.  anyway, the point is it’s a problem that takes up more and more of my brain, like an equation or line of code that forces a computer processor to use more and more of its power to solve and the thing gets stuck in a loop….  my brain is stuck in a loop.

now the small, quiet, occasional rumble has turned into something much more annoying.  i’ve become increasingly preoccupied and as my brain uses more and more of its power attempting to resolve this problem, my mood is being affected, as is my sleep.  i wouldn’t call this an ‘episode,’ as i still generally feel better than did back then, but there is no doubt this is causing problems and i can’t deny the possibility that i’m cycling up to one.

i think what makes it all worse is that i know the solution(s), i just haven’t been able to force myself to take steps toward those solutions.  my brain is caught in a loop and to head off any serious setback, i may have be forced to return to the doctor, even if it’s only once or twice. (sigh)