some time ago i was faced with a startling realization that i’m still trying to sort out.
it seems more people have been reading this stuff than i have suspected. not just close friends and family. people i work with. people, who like me, spend much of their free time working in the realm of politics, have at least once visited this blog. while i’ve always hopped across the line of how much honesty and detail i should include in my posts, i always leaned more toward the side of full disclosure at least in part because i didn’t figure that many people were actually paying attention.
in a sort of delayed clarity, it came to me… if these people are at least occasionally browsing here, a certain someone else might be as well. and my heart sank to my small intestine.
sure, i’ve been reasonably careful not to use too many names, but i’ll admit to not being as elusive as i might sometimes believe myself to be. with this new, somewhat unsettling information, a question arises that i cannot shake; what if i’ve wrecked what small, slim, minuscule chance i might have had by discussing certain topics here?
as this site has become my main source of release and introspection, i’ve been forced to discuss the topic of a certain girl who regularly inhabits my thoughts and while, again, i’ve never used her name, i’m now mildly paralyzed by the possibility that she’s not only visited this site, but that she’s also read and understood passages that deal directly with her. i’ve never doubted that she was smarter than i and could understand my weakly cryptic entries, but was comforted by the now seemingly naive notion that she just hadn’t visited this site.
this all arises after planning a gesture that has the potential to score me points, so to speak. on the other hand, i was convinced last week, after a couple of drinks, to abandon my plan of (i hate the way this sounds) ‘passive pursuit’ and invite her to a function in waimanalo. thankfully both fate and reason triumphed, and i continue to travel down the safe path only to have been potentially detailed any number of weeks or months ago by what i’ve written here.
originally, i had intended this post to deal with the impact on me of certain people here in the political world having visited this site. i’ve been thinking about this post since last weekend and my thoughts have progressively shifted to how this has affected my chances with this certain girl…. even now, i cannot quite bring myself to include her name and am caught in a seemingly hopeless dilemma. do i continue on my current and quite likely hopeless path of ‘passive pursuit’ just to keep what little hope i do have alive? or, do i make another ‘bold’ move and ask a second time for a date? for better or worse, these are not answers i can answer. i’m stuck.
i’ve been here for what is approaching five years. in that time, looking back, there hasn’t been a single girl i’ve met that has produced in me the same level of affection and uncertainty as this girl. there’s something about her that is at the same time both confusing and endearing. i’ve developed significantly more self-confidence than i had when i first came here. i’ve met a number of interesting girls, asked them out, and been rejected with little dejection. but for some reason this has been quite different and i know the reason why; this girl is so much smarter, funnier, interesting, intriguing, endearing, not to mention cuter, than the others. of course, on the other hand, my chances of success are virtually nil.
it always seems to come back to that, doesn’t it, my lack of hope in the situation? i’m stuck. i’ve lost track now, of just how long i’ve been contemplating all this and still have nothing to show for it. i’ve still haven’t any answers. i’m still frustrated and while i’ve finally (weeks later) decided to post this, i still can’t help but worry about the consequences, hence the title of the post….