at 29 years old, i have to admit i still often wonder what the hell i’m doing with my life. i can’t say that i’ve really got a career and i have only the vaguest notion of what i would want a career to look like. i’m still trying to figure out school, job, finances, not to mention myself. every now and then i wonder whether hawaii is really the place for me; might i find more fulfillment somewhere else?

the honest answer is, i’m not sure.  then again, is anyone ever sure about what their future might hold?  the single most important lesson i’ve learned in the last few years is this: enjoy life and don’t worry so much.  sometimes i have trouble with this and slip into old habits of fretting and nail biting, i’m always reminded of the lesson.

earlier this week, i was was stressing and worrying about my life, money, and school.  i was frustrated and worried about the decisions i’ve made.  i felt like i had so much to think about, to worry about.  now, here’s why i can’t imagine living anywhere else; i was standing out on my lanai and i watched the rain roll out from the back of the valley in which i live.  at first the air was calm and quiet, then became a cool breeze as the rain approached my house.  immediately, i was calm.  somehow all the things i was freaking out about seemed suddenly less important, or at least less urgent.

i admit to not going to the beach as offen as i should (or maybe as i want to), but the days i’ve spent at the beach are easily the best i’ve spent since i’ve been here and, quite possibly, some of the best of my life.  you know, when i first moved here, i heard people talk about the special spirit of hawaii, but never really took it to heart.  now, after having spent a few years here, i get it.  i’m not a particularly spiritual person and question the existence of g-d, but i cannot deny a certain power and peace this place has.  and every day i’m here, i come to appreciate it just a bit more.

in recent days and weeks, i’ve had a feeling creeping around by brain that is now beginning to find a voice; i’m stagnating. while friends and family seem to be moving forward with their lives, relationships, and careers, here i am feeling relatively adrift. i say relatively because there was a time, not all that long ago, when it was much, much worse.

on the one hand, i don’t feel in any particular hurry to be successful, married, or a father. right now i’m pretty happy with my life and haven’t had a whole lot of motivation to continue moving forward… that is until recently.

i’ve become aware two things that make up the combined impetus for an increased motivation to improve myself and my life. one is a desire to stay in hawaii. truth be told, there are a few things about this place that bug me, but they’re minor and certainly not enough to make me want to move somewhere else. staying in hawaii, for me, means buying a house. sure, i chould stay here and live in town and rent for the rest of my life, but i really, really don’t want to do either. the most beautiful places here are in the country, so to speak.

of course, in order to purchase a house, i need to make more money. as you might expect, homes in paradise aren’t cheap and even though the area in which i’d like to live has lower home prices, they’re still just out of reach. last week i asked for an opportunity to obtain a MCSA certification through my job. i’ve been offered this opportunity in the past, but turned it down because it meant signing a long term contract with them, which i wasn’t willing to do. however, now that i’ve decided i’m probably not going anywhere, as long as they agree to one or two stipulations, i’m willing to sign the contract and get the certification; it means an increased salary, which means an increased savings and ability to pay a mortgage.

the other half of this combination is a crush. it’s a crush i’ve had for a while now and while it has become increasingly clear that’s probably all it will be, i’ve been struggling to improve myself in the hopes of winning some favor with the girl in question. i’m doing a 10 mile run in less than a month, something i never would have even considered a year ago. i’m trying to get in shape in other areas and smoke less (i’m averaging half a pack, most days). and i’m trying to grow a greater appreciation for some of the things hawaii has to offer that i’ve been taking for granted.

while none of this has yet to do any good with regard to the crush, i am nonetheless, determined to make myself over. i want to be better, healthier, and more appreciative of the place in which i live. it’s an overall drive to improve the person that i am, inwardly and outwardly.

now all i have to do is overcome habit and lethargy….  here’s to hoping it works out better for me than it has in the past.

it seems the only dreams i remember these days are the ones that wake me in the middle of the night, the ones that seems just a bit too real.

and i had one of those dreams last night.

while my waking hours today have faded the images of the surreal events, bits remain, as does a general confusion and frustration….  dreams, so i’ve been told, are a function of the brain working out recent events and troubles.  i don’t know whether or not that’s true, but i can tell you that this dream did little for me with regard to working out my shit, as it were.  in fact, upon waking i am now more confused, stumped, and frustrated than i was yesterday.  what the hell?

on the other hand, i did wake with a greater sense of determination (if only just a bit greater) to do what seems necessary, even if it’s predetermined that i fail.  i’m used to it, though i’ll admit to a recent greater appreciation for the notion that the journey is more important than the destination (or however the saying goes) and as such am less deterred by the likelihood of failure.  yeah, so maybe the dream was helpful.

you gotta love it.