i’ve been told that everyone dreams. everyone. people dream in order to refresh their minds and to keep from going crazy. the body does it naturally, like breathing, or taking a big crap. while i may dream every night in my restless sleep, but i can count on one hand the number of dreams that i’ve actually recalled upon waking.

have you ever had a dream that seems so real, that when you wake up you wonder whether it was real? these are the only kinds of dreams i seem to have. i mean, of course i have others, every night. but these are the only ones i remember. the dream i had last night was so real. there were smells and sounds and feelings, people in know in my waking life. when i woke up this morning, i was completely disoriented.

one might think these kinds of dreams would be great to have. people who think like this are the same type of people who like bungie-jumping. i hate having them. i wish i never woke up remembering my dreams. i don’t remember dreams about flying or being a millionaire or something like that. of course not. not me. instead, i dream about the girl that crushed my heart and left me a broken person for years. or, like last night’s most recent incarnation, i dream about being in love with another girl, a new girl.

i’ve imagined falling in love for years. to keep from sounding exceedingly strange, i won’t tell you just how many years. it does go without saying, however, that i am, in many respects, a hopeless romantic (though some of my friends may say otherwise). dreams, such as the one i had last night, leave me completely shaken. aside from feeling a bit lost, confused, and disoriented upon waking, i spend the rest of that day (at least) feeling not quite myself, not to mention a bit depressed and cranky.

i mentioned this particular dream to a good friend of mine, hoping for some consolation and comfort. i guess i didn’t make that clear to her, because her response, after i explained the dream to her, she told me that carl jung believed that the people and places in our dreams are really just all representations of different aspects of ourselves. i never liked carl very much.

so, at this point, i’m not quite sure why i’m writing this. i started writing a post a few different times throughout the course of the day, but always ended up deleting it. i mean, i don’t know that this is going to make me feel any better. i can’t see how sending this out into the endless abyss that is the internet is going to help me feel better. i can’t expect a response, i mean in the two or three years i’ve been posting to this site, i’ve gotten two comments. two!

i could try to describe the dream to you, but i don’t know that it would make much sense. while i say that i still remember the dream, i just remember bits and pieces. i remember the girl, including her name. i remember seeing friends and sketchy details about my surroundings. mostly, i remember the feeling. i remember the feeling of being in love and having someone who is in love with me. and i remember the feeling when i woke up and realized it had all be a fantasy.
i can’t even begin to describe how frustrating that is. i can’t give it a vocabulary.

emotionally speaking, i’m the strongest and healthiest i’ve ever been. ever. i feel like for the first time in my life, i don’t need someone to love me so i can feel good about myself. and yet, still, i continue to think about a lost love and dream about a love that might not ever be.