i made reference, a few posts back, to the notion of this blog as a therapy of sorts. while that may not have been its conscious design, that is quickly what it became. i’m not lamenting, necessarily, this thing’s function for me, simply pointing it out again.

because of its underlying therapeutic nature, i’ve noticed more than once, i’m more inclined to write when things are less than good: when i’ve got a problem, issue, or there’s generally just something gnawing at my brain.

when things are good, i post with less frequency and when i do, those posts are generally shorter and tend to be random musings about… whatever. when things are good, for whatever reason, i feel i have less to write about.

well, over the last few days, my need to write has been steadily increasing. and while trying to force sleep last night, i was giving a bit of thought to this curious need of mine to write when something in my life begins circling the drain. i can’t say i had an epiphany of sorts, because honestly, i don’t feel the conclusion i came to was particularly insightful. in a less frazzled and exhausted state, the answer would have come, i imagine, almost instantly.

for the record, it’s just about 8am on friday. not only was i at work more than an hour early, but i’ve been awake for more than two hours now. its going to be a LONG day, even with an iv drip of coffee. grr….

insomnia isn’t a new thing for me, as my regular readers are probably already aware. every few months i go through a bout of it, which is much better than four or five years ago when coaxing sleep was a weekly challenge. still, despite its familiarity, it never stops being annoying and is a regular reminder of the troubled psyche with which i’ve battled since childhood.

and this particular bout is no different….

i’m damaged beyond repair.
and sometimes life isn’t fair.

i’m returning to a theme i wrote about years ago (yes, i occasionally check history to see whether i’m repeating myself). honestly, i’m amazed i can recall, even vaguely, about a post i wrote nearly five years ago. i guess it’s good that i can sometimes amaze myself….

while helping a friend with her computer troubles, i found myself defending my blog. my ability to post what i want. the circumstances of the conversation itself hit right at the heart of the subject of this post and so i’m not sure i’ll be giving more details than this.

i’ve been thinking about it more this evening and have come to a conclusion. in some strange form, this blog has become an outlet for me. it has become a way to try and work out things going on in my life. my issues, fears, blah blah blah. it is cheap, very cheap therapy. for what i was spending per session with my doctor, i’m now spending per year on this blog. if that’s not a smart investment, i don’t know what is.