i use the question mark because i’m not sure that’s the word that best characterizes my thoughts currently. puzzled? curious? confused? nothing seems to work as well as conflicted, and so it is….

as i’m sure i’ve stated on more than one occasion, i’ve pretty much given up on the idea of a relationship, girlfriend, etc. there’s no doubt hawaii’s a hard place to meet someone. in addition to the difficulty of the place, there is, of course, my own bag of issues. granted, the bag has gotten much, much smaller, but exists nonetheless. i’ve become so apathetic to this idea that when i meet a new girl i don’t even ask myself if she’s dating material (creepy?). yeah, so maybe that’s a good thing, but its certainly a shift from years past (umm, say most of my adulesant and adult life).

that’s not to say it doesn’t happen at all. in fact, i found myself wondering that very thing recently, upon meeting a friend of a friend. ok, maybe not that very thing, but certainly wondering if she’s my ‘type’ (refer to this previous post for some of my self-reflection on this subject). i guess, given some small lingering insecurities of my own, the real question of interest is whether or not i’m her ‘type.’ i can’t help but want input/guidance while at the same time knowing full well that i should be able to manage this shit on my own. should being the operative word in that statement.

voices of friends in my head accumulate to lend a hand. ‘stop analyzing and just ask her out.’ or, ‘check the non-verbal cues.’ and so on. needless to say, these voices are helpful only insofar as reminding me of all the things a ‘normal’ person would do. an average person? well, i am by no means average or normal.

so i don’t know what else to add at this point. i seriously doubt anything will happen. or rather, that i’ll do anything. oh well, another couple of days and the internal conflict will subside as i remember that i have other things in my life that keep me happy and my thoughts from wandering.

for years, i’ve come across people, friends, family, etc. who’ve thought i might be gay. some have asked (my parents). other have simply assumed that to be the case. i used to bother me; what about me makes some draw that conclusion? sure i have no luck with girls, haven’t had a date or girlfriend for years, but gay? when my stepfather asked me, in a roundabout fashion, whether i was gay, i was surprised, but not shocked. it seems to me i’m just about as atypical of a male as one could be. so it isn’t totally unrealistic for people to make that assumption.

as i’ve gotten older, that perception bothers me less and less. depending on the circumstances and unless some one flat out asks me, i let people make whatever assumption they like….

hurray!

it only makes sense, right?

it might seem a bit late to be writing a post of this nature, but to be honest, i started writing this post weeks ago. i tried to complete it twice since then and this is my third attempt. yes, i’ve completely started over….