what is this strange need people have to ‘couple up’?  i mean, beyond the biological desire to procreate, why do people date, live together, marry, etc?  where does this desire to find a ‘soul mate’ come from?  and does it serve any purpose or have any positive influence on a person?

hmmm….  i can’t help but want to ‘couple up’ just like everyone else.  well, i mean, i guess there are those people who don’t care, but for the most part, everyone wants that.  i’m no different.  the thing is, it’s easier for some people than it is for others.  why is that?  i have friends who’ve had a steady stream of different boyfriends or girlfriends since high school, maybe even before.  but not me.  in my whole life, i’ve only had a handful of relationships, none of which lasted very long or ended well.
not long after girls became ceased having cooties and started having boobs, i came to the conclusion that there are just some people who aren’t meant to ‘couple’.  i am, most likely, counted among that group of people.  from a biological stand point, this is simply a matter of evolution.  in order to perpetuate the best traits of our species, the less-desirables have a greater difficulty in finding a mate and are less likely to have offspring.

there was a time when this notion upset and frustrated me, but the more time i have to deal with it, the more i fail, the more clear it is that it’s simply a matter of fact.  the sooner i accept this, the better off i’ll be.  of course, having said that, i have to admit that its true.  i’m starting to come to terms with this fact and the more i wrestle with the notion, the more ok i am with it.  there’s always going to be a part of me that is bothered by this notion, but every day that part grows smaller.  i’ve pretty much accepted this.

in some ways, this realization simplifies my life quite a bit.  while everyone else i know is looking to couple up and get hitched, i can take some comfort in the fact that this is something i simply don’t have to worry about.

this isn’t to say that i’ve lost interest in girls, its just to say that i’ve lost interest in trying. that’s right, i quit. i can now admit, with only a twinge of discomfort, that i am a failure when it comes to women…. now i know what you’re going to say; “you haven’t really tried. you’ve never really tried.” while that might be true, i don’t know that i completely believe it. i mean, to some extent, it’s true, but only from someone else’s view point. these peole don’t know that i’ve torn myself up, time and again, trying to overcome whatever crazy fear and panic it is that locks me up. i can refer to example after example of my failures. so, when i say that i’ve failed, it isn’t to say that i’ve been rejected and have quit. it’s far more complicated and pathetic than that. the truth is i never got to the point where i might be rejected.

in all my years i’ve only asked two girls out. only one said yes. my failure isn’t with women, i can see that now. my failure is with myself, which is all the more sad. but after all the times i’ve lost against my own fears, i’ve finally come to this conclusion: this is how it is for me.

i used to think i was broken, that something was wrong with me, but i’ve realized that this is exactly how i’m supposed to be. i’ve been in therapy for over a year now and while i’ve come to like myself more, i’ve also started to accept things that i don’t have power over. i started to say previously that i am bound by biology. this is what i’m referring to. as i get older and come to like myself more and more, i can also accept this about me. for reasons unknown to me, this is how i am. for better or worse. ultimately, i can’t change what i am. if i believe in g-d (which i’m not sure that i do), i can say this is the role g-d has given me. i may not understand it. i may not be happy about it, but i am beginning to accept it. if i take g-d out of it, then it becomes a simple matter of biology and genetics: i wasn’t meant to reproduce. this flaw in me, biologically, will see its end with my death. its a flaw that won’t be passed on to any offspring, to any children. honestly, i don’t know which one lends me greater comfort.

say what you want. say that i’m being silly. say that i’m just feeling sorry for myself. say whatever you want, but i quit. i’m done thinking about girlfriends. i’m done trying to find a date, or a girlfriend, or someone to marry. i’m through with it all.