a funny thing happened to me on the way to the circus…. isn’t that a movie, or something? ok, maybe not. what do i know?

still, i actually do have something to say (though once again, i’m probably not writing this for anyone’s benefit but my own). a funny thing’s happened to me on my way to mental wellness. it seems, after a year of therapy, i’m in a similar place from where i started. hmmm, interesting….

no. i’ve got something else….

i had a conversation with shawn the other day and while the conversation itself wasn’t very enlightening, it got me to thinking. with one exception, i haven’t been interested in a girl that’s single in nearly a decade. that’s right, nearly ten fucking years. jamie k., (the infamous) katie s., rebecca s., and amy v. the names read like a list of ridiculous failures, at least that’s the way it reads to me.

so, back to the conversation with shawn. i don’t remember how it started, but i know i didn’t start it because i don’t bother having conversations like that any more with him. or really with anyone, for that matter. anyway, i had just felt crushing defeat at my own hands at a party last weekend. the most recent delusion on the ‘spoken for’ list was at this party, which i was excited about, right up to the point where i couldn’t think of anything to say. she was perpetually surrounded by her friends from school, and i just couldn’t get myself to fit that niche.

i left the party early feeling cowardly and beaten. and since then (and the rediculous conversation with shawn), i’ve pretty much accepted the fact that this is my lot. of course, that notion may change tomorrow, but the fact will remain. i’ll admit that there’s a good chance that i’ll find some other girl to be attracted to, some girl that will already be spoken for, some girl that i’ll have no chance with. and then i’ll be right back here. it’s a vicious circle that i will forever be stuck in. ok, well maybe not forever… at some point i’ll die.

given all this seeming reality and seething self-pitty, i can’t help but want someone. i want a girlfriend, dammit. i don’t think that’s too much to ask for? is it? i mean, i don’t really ask for much, other than that. i guess asking doesn’t do me much good, though. i mean, it’s not like santa is going to bring me one on christmas. for one thing, i don’t know that i’d be on his list of good little children. or another, we have no chimney in our house. oh yeah, i don’t believe in santa. oh yeah, i’m jewish. fuck santa.

so, where does this leave me? what conclusion, if any, have i come to? well, it seems pretty simple to me. don’t bother with amy, i’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell. also, i need to find things that will keep my sad, pathetic little brain preoccupied. read more, bike more, take more pictures, study more.
i’ve got just one more thing to say; all you people who are reading this (oh, who the hell am i kidding) that have boyfriends and girlfriends…. KISS MY HAIRY, PALE-WHITE ASS!!