boobs are the enemy of man. boobs make men weak. one moment a man can be completely reasonable and rational. as soon as there are boobs around, however, men turn into stupid blubbering morons. they’ll do almost anything boobs ask them to do. “buy me a drink?” “sure.” “i can’t afford a ticket, can you let me go with a warning?” “sure.” the only power or advantage women have are their boobs. of course, that also means that women with no boobs don’t have any power.

this is a firm belief i’ve had for quite some time, but only feel the need to write about it now. you might be asking why. why now? well, it’s simple. i’ll let you. my roommate has completely succumb to the power of his girlfriend’s boobs. while he may not often act like his age (which i don’t really mind, because i don’t really either), but when his girlfriend is around, he turns into cutsie, whiny boy: the perfect compliment to his cutsie, whiny girlfriend. what amazes me is that we know a girl, who shawn wouldn’t date in a million years, who has remarkably similar characteristics. they’re both whiny. they’re both cutsie. so what’s the difference? this other girl has no boobs to speak of.

all of this isn’t to say that the girlfriend isn’t intelligent (though you might not know it to listen to her). maybe it’s that my roommate likes whiny girls. maybe its a fetish; some people like feet or bondage, maybe my roommate just has a thing for whiny girls. it is surprising to me, though. i mean, its one thing, i guess, to like the whiny, bratty girls (oh yeah, did i mention she’s a spoiled little brat?), but what i think is more frustrating than anything else is the fact that when she’s around, he turns into cutsie whiny little boy. the transformation is astonishing. the two of us could be having a complete adult sounding, reasonable conversation, but if she calls or shows up at the house, all that goes right out the window. the adult sounding man curls up into the fetal position and the cutsie, whiny man appears. it’s kinda like watching a man transform into a werewolf, only scarier.

he says he likes it. he assures me that when (though i say if) i find a girlfriend, i’ll do the same thing… and enjoy it! what the fuck? i really, really hope that isn’t the case. at this point, if that’s true, i’d just as soon remain single and keep what little scrap of dignity i have. the power of the boobs will not get me. i will remain resistant to the power they have, at whatever the cost. i mean, is it worth transforming into a whiny, six-year-old-sounding boy for the sake of some ass? somehow i doubt it, though i obviously can’t say from experience.

tucked away in all this stupid bullshit, maybe there’s a solution…. destroy the boobs! destroy them! we must develop a weapon that can prevail over our enemy. in the meantime, in lue of a useful, powerful weapon, maybe we can anesthetize all the boobed-women and force boob reductions on them all, thereby taking away their power over us men. it sounds like a good idea to me, of course, if you come up with any weapon ideas that would be more fun, be sure to let me know.