2:49am.  that’s right.  i’m awake; in fact, i never went to sleep.  make no mistake, i tried.  i laid in bed for at least 30 mintues tossing, turning, and yawning, but sleep didn’t come.  this has been happening occasionally for years… since high school.  it doesn’t happen often and it happens less frequently than it used to, still, here i am still awake.

i’m physically tried and have been yawning every ten minutes, or so, but every time i lay down and close my eyes, sleep eludes me.  i’m not sure whether or not it would be easier to cope with if i didn’t know the cause.  it happens when my brain reaches a point where it is constantly working on something.  i’ve had bouts of insomnia to which i couldn’t attribute a cause, i hadn’t a clue what the hell it was my brain was struggling with.  however, that doesn’t happen to be the case this time.

i’m not sure which is worse at this point: not knowing what it is that has put my brain in high gear, or knowing, but not being able to do anything about it….  another yawn and now it’s 3:08am.  i may try closing my eyes again and see what happens.  worse case scenario, i’ll just be right back out here in 15 minutes.

the sun will be up in a few hours and at this point i haven’t a clue how tomorrow will go….  tomorrow, as they say, is another day (though technically today is already tomorrow).  i just hope i’ll be in a brighter mood tomorrow (today).
finally, 3:18 and i’m off for a third attempt at sleep.

it’s been a while since i felt like this, maybe a couple of years.  i thought i was done with these sorts of mood shifts, but i guess one in more than two years isn’t all that bad.  even though this is a familiar feeling, i think i can better describe it than maybe i could in the past.

it’s like something that starts out as a small, quiet, occasional rumble in my brain; it’s a problem i can’t solve.  it reminds me of a joke by lewis black about the girl who says “if it weren’t for my horse, i wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”  if you don’t know the joke, go try and find it, it’s pretty fucking funny.  anyway, the point is it’s a problem that takes up more and more of my brain, like an equation or line of code that forces a computer processor to use more and more of its power to solve and the thing gets stuck in a loop….  my brain is stuck in a loop.

now the small, quiet, occasional rumble has turned into something much more annoying.  i’ve become increasingly preoccupied and as my brain uses more and more of its power attempting to resolve this problem, my mood is being affected, as is my sleep.  i wouldn’t call this an ‘episode,’ as i still generally feel better than did back then, but there is no doubt this is causing problems and i can’t deny the possibility that i’m cycling up to one.

i think what makes it all worse is that i know the solution(s), i just haven’t been able to force myself to take steps toward those solutions.  my brain is caught in a loop and to head off any serious setback, i may have be forced to return to the doctor, even if it’s only once or twice. (sigh)

anyone want to live with me here: 41-928 Kakaina Street

don’t ask me where i’ll get the money. still….

i’ve heard all sorts of surprising and exciting news today….  i’m keen to let you guess.

so, its been a long couple of weeks and i haven’t decided yet if i’m going to get into it all, or not.  really i just needed to write a bit in the hope that at least some of the crap that’s floating around in my brain will vacate though my fingers.  its not really keeping me up at night, which is definitely a good thing, but it is affecting my mood during the waking hours.  once again i’m stuck with the dilemma of saying too much….

one of my good friends came out here for a visit a couple of weeks ago and what was supposed to be a week of fun quickly turned into a week of absurdity and frustration.  while i know she has her own take on what happened (because she very intuitive) let me share with you my perspective.

she’s mad at me because she is resentful of and feeling guilty about fooling around with my roommate (admittedly, i don’t know what actually went on, but she hasn’t denied anything) while knowing that it would bother me.  in all honesty, i would have gotten over the making out relatively quickly if she had just been straight about it in the first place.  sure, i would have been irritated and it might have ruined the week regardless, but the dispute wouldn’t have lasted this long.

now, she says i’m being unfair because she feels like i’ve asked her to choose (which i did, but only after two days of her accusing me of as much).  to be clear, she’s made out with him in the past, and my reaction when i found out the first time was one of irritation, but she didn’t accuse me of making her choose then.  so i’m a bit confused.  (sarcasm coming) its clear that in no way is she to blame.  i’m the bad guy with ‘issues’ to sort out.  i’m the asshole who has put her in an uncomfortable place.  it couldn’t actually be that she did something wrong, no no.  its all my fault.  i’m to blame.  (thus concludes the sarcasm for now).

what it boils down to is this, i think; she has her own views and opinions of what happened, of how i reacted, and why.  i’ve got my own views and opinions.  after half a dozen or more conversations, we are no closer to resolving our differing views on this subject and i’ve had all i can take of ‘we need to talk.’  maybe i am the asshole because i’m not going through this one more fucking time.  she says she feels i’m putting this all on her and then she says (more or less) that we can’t be friends anymore if i’m not willing to talk about it.  and i’m putting it all on her?  is anyone else confused?

once again, maybe i am the asshole.  at this point i’m so frustrated about the whole thing that i don’t want to talk about it at all, at the risk of losing the friendship, and the truth is at this point i’m so over all the stupid drama that i don’t know how much i even care.  a few days ago i thought it would only be a matter of days or week before this all blew over, but now i’m not so sure.  it seems like its going to take quite a bit longer.  i’m over it at this point….

then, of course, there’s the girl issues.  here’s where things get a bit dicey for me.  oh yes, let the fun begin.  so i asked a mutual friend a few weeks ago about advice on the girl i have a thing for (a crush, maybe?).  i asked for advice, knowing more or less what the response would be, but thought a confirmation would put this all to rest.  as it turns out, i was only half right.  i did get the response i expected, but it didn’t put anything to rest.  i’m just as frustrated as i was then, if not more.

…i don’t know what else to say.  it seems i’m stuck in a no win situation from which i’ve been unable to extricate myself.  that part of myself that i hate has peeked its damn head out again; i’ve become a bumbling idiot and coward.  simple conversation and compliments are just to difficult for my brain to process and for my tongue to vocalize.  i am a moron.  i may not know much, but i know this is no way to impress a girl.

the frustration abounds and the alcohol flows….  damn it.