**Previously written**
i have a strange tendency to fixate on things. and as if that isn’t quirky enough on it’s own, the things i fixate on are things which i have little or no control over, or i’ll fixate on things that have happened in the past. i think i might be slightly autistic. is that possible?

of course, the things i can control and can change are more like passing thoughts: i should quit smoking, or i should eat better, or exercise more. wouldn’t it make sense for me to fixate on those types of things, as opposed to the things i have no control over, like other people, for instance?
here is where i expound on the latest in a string of girls with whom i have no chance. this one’s name is amy and she has herself a boyfriend who resides on the eastern seaboard. i mean, of course she has a boyfriend. would it make sense any other way? i don’t think so. and, of course, i think she’s great: witty and cute and has a sense of humor very similar to my own, which i have found to be rare….

and then….

hal calls me with dilemmas i’d probably pay to have. in sharing his, i though i’d share mine: amy.
i laid out the whole story for him (which didn’t take very long), or at least my interpretation of the story, which i will be the first to admit is probably a skewed somewhat. nonetheless, his advice to me was something of a shock. he advice was along the same line of thinking as my own, only far more dramatic and drastic, and, might i add, a bit devilish.

i’ve been thinking for a few days now, that i should simply try to win her from her east coast boyfriend. maybe steal is a better word, but not one i wanted to use. of course hal, being the sneaky little shit that he is, doesn’t seem to have a problem with that notion, or at least not with my being the thief.

here’s his idea: be straightforward. now, before you go off thinking it sounds like a good idea, let me give you some details. when he says be straightforward, what he means is exactly that; “i know you’ve got a boyfriend, but…” i’m supposed say to her, “i think you’re pretty cool and i’d like to date you.”
now, i’ve never met a girl on whom that would work. regardless of distance, regardless of whatever hardship may or may not exist in their relationship, i’ve never met a girl that would be like, “yeah, i think that could be a good thing: better than what i’ve got now, 5000 miles away. despite my experience, though, hal seems to think its a good idea. what’s more, he wants me to write up a speech, or sorts, of what i would say to her. and then practice it.

first off, i honestly don’t think the first part is a bad idea, i mean the part about writing down what i would say. if nothing else, it could be quite therapeutic and might even dispel whatever demon is possessing me to even consider such an option. despite that, however, i’m not going to practice it, like i’m getting ready to give a speech in government class, or something. if i really decided this whole thing was a good idea, i’d read the thing over a few times, just to try and get the flow of it and try to remember as man of the details as i can. i mean, that’s something i’ve done before, but i’m not going to practice it. are you kidding me?

so from here, there are two questions. first, how good of an idea is this really? i mean, i love hal, but if he’s the only one i know that thinks this plan of his could be a good thing, then i’m going to have to tell him to double up on his meds. on the other hand, if i get at least one other affirmative to this scheme of his, then i couldn’t help but seriously consider it. second, even if it turns out to be the idea of the century, is it something that i can really muster the strength to do? i mean, regardless of anything else, i may have gained some confidence in the last year, but have i gathered enough to go balls out and tell this girl exactly what i think after spending just a couple of evenings with her?
i haven’t a clue. i don’t know what to do or what to think at this point. what i do know is that i probably should ask shawn and molly their opinions. including hal, they are my trifecta of opinion. no matter what i decide, however, i’m still going to write something out: something i’d plan to say to her, should i decide to do this foolish thing.

first, i need a smoke….