for the record, it’s just about 8am on friday. not only was i at work more than an hour early, but i’ve been awake for more than two hours now. its going to be a LONG day, even with an iv drip of coffee. grr….

insomnia isn’t a new thing for me, as my regular readers are probably already aware. every few months i go through a bout of it, which is much better than four or five years ago when coaxing sleep was a weekly challenge. still, despite its familiarity, it never stops being annoying and is a regular reminder of the troubled psyche with which i’ve battled since childhood.

and this particular bout is no different….

i’m damaged beyond repair.
and sometimes life isn’t fair.

i’m returning to a theme i wrote about years ago (yes, i occasionally check history to see whether i’m repeating myself). honestly, i’m amazed i can recall, even vaguely, about a post i wrote nearly five years ago. i guess it’s good that i can sometimes amaze myself….

while helping a friend with her computer troubles, i found myself defending my blog. my ability to post what i want. the circumstances of the conversation itself hit right at the heart of the subject of this post and so i’m not sure i’ll be giving more details than this.

i’ve been thinking about it more this evening and have come to a conclusion. in some strange form, this blog has become an outlet for me. it has become a way to try and work out things going on in my life. my issues, fears, blah blah blah. it is cheap, very cheap therapy. for what i was spending per session with my doctor, i’m now spending per year on this blog. if that’s not a smart investment, i don’t know what is.

it’s 11:45pm and i’ve got a meeting in the morning. early. yet somehow, here i sit. writing and not sleeping. while it is moderately annoying, random bouts of insomnia are something i’ve been dealing with for years. and for reasons that aren’t completely unclear, a dark cloud has developed over me. a cloud i hope to dispatch with some writing.

one of my best friends is leaving the island for greener pastures back on the mainland. i am sad. i’m sad she’s leaving, even though i’m glad she’s potentially found her dream job. it’s good that she knows what she wants to do and has maybe has a chance to do it. admittedly, i’m a bit jealous, though i can’t imagine a job at this point that would compel me to leave this place. maybe it’s because i still don’t know what i want to do. i still don’t have a dream job.