that’s right. 2007 is upon us. another year older, closer to retirement, old age, and death. cheery thoughts, no? just kidding. i am expecting, in some ways, 2007 to out do 2006, though i’m not sure how yet.

really, despite my relatively positive outlook on this year, i want to talk about something maybe a little less inspiring. anyone who is familiar with this blog should be able to guess the topic with ease. it is a variation on a familiar theme: my bachelor status.

recent engagement announcements have once again served as a stark reminder of just how very far away i am from such an announcement of my own. don’t get me wrong, i couldn’t be happier for them and can’t wait to be amongst the onlookers (assuming i can get away and afford to attend both).

there is a difference, i guess between my feelings on this subject now as apposed to, say… two years ago. there was a time when i thought all i needed to be happy was to be in a relationship. now i know that’s not the case and i don’t have the same overwhelming need to have a girlfriend, but still, it’d be nice.

here’s the thing, though; i’m not sure i’ll ever find the right girl. as another year fades to memory i look around and see couples almost everywhere. as i get older, the window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller. i don’t say this from a place of self-doubt or pessimism. i say this as an observer of other men and women my age.

people are coupling up and getting married left and right, it seems. and as has always seemed to be the case, the girls i find interesting are either already coupled, or are quite simply uninterested in me. admittedly, the aspects of my personality associated with meeting and interacting with women has changed very little. so maybe i don’t put myself out there as much as i should, or could.

but if two plus years of therapy taught me anything, it’s that there are simply parts of my personality that aren’t going to change. i’m always going to be shy and awkward around girls, at least at first. i’ve come to accept this aspect of my personality and it doesn’t really bother me anymore. as a result, however, i have to accept the reality that this is going to make it much more difficult to meet girls worth dating.

and this brings me to the thought that has been quietly gnawing at me for the last several weeks; maybe i’m meant to be single. being someone who has never believed in g-d, someone who has never believed in fate and destiny, this is a startling notion with which i’m struggling to come to terms.

the simple, if not slightly depressing, thought that i’m supposed to be single is forcing me to reassess my whole view of existence and it freaks me out just a bit….

of course, i could meet the perfect girl tomorrow.  life’s a crap shoot that way.

as 2006 has reached its conclusion, i find myself look back to last january. in some ways, it was the longest year of my life. in others ways, i struggle to figure out where it went. and in the midst of all this reflection, i’m continually returned to a single miraculous and startling thought: i am a different person from the one who started the year.

i toss the words around in my head, looking for some meaning, some understanding of what it means. i mean, i guess the statement is clear enough, but at the same time, it doesn’t even begin to encompass how i’ve changed or how i feel about it all. it’s kinda like waking up from a really long, vivid, and intense dream, one that leaves you rattled on incensed all day, or longer. have you ever had one of those dreams? well, i have, but my life is no dream and this past year certainly isn’t one.

it all started plainly enough and the new year came with little fanfare. of course, i had no idea what 2006 had in store for me and honestly hadn’t given it much thought. looking back, though, i can say there were two events that have pretty much changed my life forever. the first came early in the year, the second several months later. in some ways, linked, though they are bound together only loosely in my brain.

here is my attempt to post from my very cool, new phone. i don’t know how well its going to work. i’m keeping my fingers crossed.

during the last few days, aside from the prospect of not having a phone before the new year, i’ve been thinking about girls. i know, this comes as little surprise, but let me explain before you switch to your favorite porn site.

since the 7th grade, the number of girl friends i’ve had, i can count on one hand. (this bit will come as a surprise to many of you…) i’ve never kissed a girl and i’ve certainly never had sex (i’m pretty sure my mom will be proud about that last half). don’t ask me where it comes from, because after countless dollars spent on therapy and a dozen years thinking about it, i have no answer. i’m just phobic. i’ve always been. this is not the point i want to make; i digress.

i’ve always been uncomfortable when dealing with new girls (or new people for that matter). i’ve been on a mere few dates in my entire life and i can’t say that any of them went that well. when it comes to girls and the whole dating arena (game?), i’m just no good. think of any school dance you ever attended. now picture the geeks and losers standing by themselves in the corner, trying to look like they’re enjoying themselves. i was among them. as i’ve gotten older, however, i’ve gotten better at it (and psychologists around the world rejoice), but am still mostly awkward and uncomfortable.

i’ve come to realize recently (though i’ve always sort of believed it) that i am going to be single and lonely for the rest of my natural days. now i have friends who i’m sure are going to argue with me on this and that’s fine. i’m at peace (mostly) with this reality that is my life. they’ll call me a pessimist. they’ll say this thinking is self-defeating and self-fullfilling. and in some ways, they’re correct, but this does not make me a pessimist.

for years, i’ve contended that i am a realist. the world is cold and brutal and i have no illusions that it is anything but. john cusack’s character in high fidelity has a great line that i have come to embrace. i’m not going to quote it here, but will sum it up; all around, i’m probably a five for six on a scale from one to 10. i’m not the worst guy out there, i’m not totally undatable, but i’m certainly not a top-rate, prime catch. i’m a middle weight. and that’s fine, i’m not sure i want to be anything else. but most of the girls i’ve been interested in or attracted to have been out of my weight class. a middle class fighter will never beat a heavy-weight and, on the flip side, a heavy-weight would never take a fight with a middle-weight.

i fully admit that i am aiming for girls outside my weight class. i wouldn’t have it any other way. i freely admit that my standards regarding girls is relatively high (as it is with my friends) and having said this, i have to prepare myself for the fact that i will never get the kind of girl that i am aiming for. simply put, it defies probability. that’s reality.

sure, i could lower my standards and improve my chances for a meaningful relationship accordingly, but why would i do that? why should i settle for less? if you have a reason, i’m willing to listen, i’m not sure you could convince me, though. so, given this, the realist in me is preparing for a long and lonely life. i will most likely never have a long-term meaningful relationship. i will most likely never give my parents any grandchildren. i will spend the rest of my life enjoying my time with family and close friends.

if you aim for the stars, that’s great, don’t stop. all i’m saying is be prepared for a long and hard fall. that’s not pessimism. i’m just being realistic about the decisions i’ve made about my life and the girls i find to be interesting and attractive.

take this for what you will, but let me say one more thing; what i hate more than being called cute is being felt sorry for. i have very few regrets about my life and don’t need pity. i felt i needed to say that, just to make it clear. i just felt it important to get these thoughts out of my head and what better way to do that than share them with the whole world.

goodnight.