what is this strange need people have to ‘couple up’?  i mean, beyond the biological desire to procreate, why do people date, live together, marry, etc?  where does this desire to find a ‘soul mate’ come from?  and does it serve any purpose or have any positive influence on a person?

hmmm….  i can’t help but want to ‘couple up’ just like everyone else.  well, i mean, i guess there are those people who don’t care, but for the most part, everyone wants that.  i’m no different.  the thing is, it’s easier for some people than it is for others.  why is that?  i have friends who’ve had a steady stream of different boyfriends or girlfriends since high school, maybe even before.  but not me.  in my whole life, i’ve only had a handful of relationships, none of which lasted very long or ended well.
not long after girls became ceased having cooties and started having boobs, i came to the conclusion that there are just some people who aren’t meant to ‘couple’.  i am, most likely, counted among that group of people.  from a biological stand point, this is simply a matter of evolution.  in order to perpetuate the best traits of our species, the less-desirables have a greater difficulty in finding a mate and are less likely to have offspring.

there was a time when this notion upset and frustrated me, but the more time i have to deal with it, the more i fail, the more clear it is that it’s simply a matter of fact.  the sooner i accept this, the better off i’ll be.  of course, having said that, i have to admit that its true.  i’m starting to come to terms with this fact and the more i wrestle with the notion, the more ok i am with it.  there’s always going to be a part of me that is bothered by this notion, but every day that part grows smaller.  i’ve pretty much accepted this.

in some ways, this realization simplifies my life quite a bit.  while everyone else i know is looking to couple up and get hitched, i can take some comfort in the fact that this is something i simply don’t have to worry about.

this isn’t to say that i’ve lost interest in girls, its just to say that i’ve lost interest in trying. that’s right, i quit. i can now admit, with only a twinge of discomfort, that i am a failure when it comes to women…. now i know what you’re going to say; “you haven’t really tried. you’ve never really tried.” while that might be true, i don’t know that i completely believe it. i mean, to some extent, it’s true, but only from someone else’s view point. these peole don’t know that i’ve torn myself up, time and again, trying to overcome whatever crazy fear and panic it is that locks me up. i can refer to example after example of my failures. so, when i say that i’ve failed, it isn’t to say that i’ve been rejected and have quit. it’s far more complicated and pathetic than that. the truth is i never got to the point where i might be rejected.

in all my years i’ve only asked two girls out. only one said yes. my failure isn’t with women, i can see that now. my failure is with myself, which is all the more sad. but after all the times i’ve lost against my own fears, i’ve finally come to this conclusion: this is how it is for me.

i used to think i was broken, that something was wrong with me, but i’ve realized that this is exactly how i’m supposed to be. i’ve been in therapy for over a year now and while i’ve come to like myself more, i’ve also started to accept things that i don’t have power over. i started to say previously that i am bound by biology. this is what i’m referring to. as i get older and come to like myself more and more, i can also accept this about me. for reasons unknown to me, this is how i am. for better or worse. ultimately, i can’t change what i am. if i believe in g-d (which i’m not sure that i do), i can say this is the role g-d has given me. i may not understand it. i may not be happy about it, but i am beginning to accept it. if i take g-d out of it, then it becomes a simple matter of biology and genetics: i wasn’t meant to reproduce. this flaw in me, biologically, will see its end with my death. its a flaw that won’t be passed on to any offspring, to any children. honestly, i don’t know which one lends me greater comfort.

say what you want. say that i’m being silly. say that i’m just feeling sorry for myself. say whatever you want, but i quit. i’m done thinking about girlfriends. i’m done trying to find a date, or a girlfriend, or someone to marry. i’m through with it all.

a funny thing happened to me on the way to the circus…. isn’t that a movie, or something? ok, maybe not. what do i know?

still, i actually do have something to say (though once again, i’m probably not writing this for anyone’s benefit but my own). a funny thing’s happened to me on my way to mental wellness. it seems, after a year of therapy, i’m in a similar place from where i started. hmmm, interesting….

no. i’ve got something else….

i had a conversation with shawn the other day and while the conversation itself wasn’t very enlightening, it got me to thinking. with one exception, i haven’t been interested in a girl that’s single in nearly a decade. that’s right, nearly ten fucking years. jamie k., (the infamous) katie s., rebecca s., and amy v. the names read like a list of ridiculous failures, at least that’s the way it reads to me.

so, back to the conversation with shawn. i don’t remember how it started, but i know i didn’t start it because i don’t bother having conversations like that any more with him. or really with anyone, for that matter. anyway, i had just felt crushing defeat at my own hands at a party last weekend. the most recent delusion on the ‘spoken for’ list was at this party, which i was excited about, right up to the point where i couldn’t think of anything to say. she was perpetually surrounded by her friends from school, and i just couldn’t get myself to fit that niche.

i left the party early feeling cowardly and beaten. and since then (and the rediculous conversation with shawn), i’ve pretty much accepted the fact that this is my lot. of course, that notion may change tomorrow, but the fact will remain. i’ll admit that there’s a good chance that i’ll find some other girl to be attracted to, some girl that will already be spoken for, some girl that i’ll have no chance with. and then i’ll be right back here. it’s a vicious circle that i will forever be stuck in. ok, well maybe not forever… at some point i’ll die.

given all this seeming reality and seething self-pitty, i can’t help but want someone. i want a girlfriend, dammit. i don’t think that’s too much to ask for? is it? i mean, i don’t really ask for much, other than that. i guess asking doesn’t do me much good, though. i mean, it’s not like santa is going to bring me one on christmas. for one thing, i don’t know that i’d be on his list of good little children. or another, we have no chimney in our house. oh yeah, i don’t believe in santa. oh yeah, i’m jewish. fuck santa.

so, where does this leave me? what conclusion, if any, have i come to? well, it seems pretty simple to me. don’t bother with amy, i’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell. also, i need to find things that will keep my sad, pathetic little brain preoccupied. read more, bike more, take more pictures, study more.
i’ve got just one more thing to say; all you people who are reading this (oh, who the hell am i kidding) that have boyfriends and girlfriends…. KISS MY HAIRY, PALE-WHITE ASS!!

**Previously Written**
“How has your week been?”
“Good. Things are starting to work the way I want, which is good. Though now I’m taking classes I don’t need to take, which kinda sucks.”
“Yeah, I can imagine. I’m guessing there’s no way to change at this point, huh?”
“Not really, but it’s alright.”
“So, I’ve got a strange proposition for you and since I’m not sure how to put it, I’m just going to spit it out, no buttering up. no bullshit.”
“Ummmm, ok.”
“I think you’re a pretty cool chick, and cute to boot. And I know you’ve got a boyfriend in D.C…. So, while trying not to sound too much like a huge asshole…, well I think I’d like to date you.”
“What?”
“I’d like to date you, or at the very least, take you out on a date.”

I can’t imagine it would go much differently than that, but after that last night, I haven’t the faintest clue what would come next.

**Previously written**
i have a strange tendency to fixate on things. and as if that isn’t quirky enough on it’s own, the things i fixate on are things which i have little or no control over, or i’ll fixate on things that have happened in the past. i think i might be slightly autistic. is that possible?

of course, the things i can control and can change are more like passing thoughts: i should quit smoking, or i should eat better, or exercise more. wouldn’t it make sense for me to fixate on those types of things, as opposed to the things i have no control over, like other people, for instance?
here is where i expound on the latest in a string of girls with whom i have no chance. this one’s name is amy and she has herself a boyfriend who resides on the eastern seaboard. i mean, of course she has a boyfriend. would it make sense any other way? i don’t think so. and, of course, i think she’s great: witty and cute and has a sense of humor very similar to my own, which i have found to be rare….

and then….

hal calls me with dilemmas i’d probably pay to have. in sharing his, i though i’d share mine: amy.
i laid out the whole story for him (which didn’t take very long), or at least my interpretation of the story, which i will be the first to admit is probably a skewed somewhat. nonetheless, his advice to me was something of a shock. he advice was along the same line of thinking as my own, only far more dramatic and drastic, and, might i add, a bit devilish.

i’ve been thinking for a few days now, that i should simply try to win her from her east coast boyfriend. maybe steal is a better word, but not one i wanted to use. of course hal, being the sneaky little shit that he is, doesn’t seem to have a problem with that notion, or at least not with my being the thief.

here’s his idea: be straightforward. now, before you go off thinking it sounds like a good idea, let me give you some details. when he says be straightforward, what he means is exactly that; “i know you’ve got a boyfriend, but…” i’m supposed say to her, “i think you’re pretty cool and i’d like to date you.”
now, i’ve never met a girl on whom that would work. regardless of distance, regardless of whatever hardship may or may not exist in their relationship, i’ve never met a girl that would be like, “yeah, i think that could be a good thing: better than what i’ve got now, 5000 miles away. despite my experience, though, hal seems to think its a good idea. what’s more, he wants me to write up a speech, or sorts, of what i would say to her. and then practice it.

first off, i honestly don’t think the first part is a bad idea, i mean the part about writing down what i would say. if nothing else, it could be quite therapeutic and might even dispel whatever demon is possessing me to even consider such an option. despite that, however, i’m not going to practice it, like i’m getting ready to give a speech in government class, or something. if i really decided this whole thing was a good idea, i’d read the thing over a few times, just to try and get the flow of it and try to remember as man of the details as i can. i mean, that’s something i’ve done before, but i’m not going to practice it. are you kidding me?

so from here, there are two questions. first, how good of an idea is this really? i mean, i love hal, but if he’s the only one i know that thinks this plan of his could be a good thing, then i’m going to have to tell him to double up on his meds. on the other hand, if i get at least one other affirmative to this scheme of his, then i couldn’t help but seriously consider it. second, even if it turns out to be the idea of the century, is it something that i can really muster the strength to do? i mean, regardless of anything else, i may have gained some confidence in the last year, but have i gathered enough to go balls out and tell this girl exactly what i think after spending just a couple of evenings with her?
i haven’t a clue. i don’t know what to do or what to think at this point. what i do know is that i probably should ask shawn and molly their opinions. including hal, they are my trifecta of opinion. no matter what i decide, however, i’m still going to write something out: something i’d plan to say to her, should i decide to do this foolish thing.

first, i need a smoke….

happy birthday to dean! let me just say that i didn’t get a chance to talk to all of his family, but i did have the opportunity to have a conversation with his grandmother. for an 81 year old lady, she still seems to kick it pretty good.

but, as i’m sure you’re guessing, this posting is not about dean and his family. i’ve recently come to the conclusion that i should be posting more often and that those postings should be no holds barred. i can’t be pulling punches. i can’t be sensoring myself, because if i do, then what’s the point of having a weblog at all? so, as i follow that credo from now on, here’s the scoop.

the subject at hand is one that has been a constant recurring theme in these postings. and while i run the risk of repeating myself… at this point i just don’t give a fuck. for those of you who don’t know, i’ve been seeing a shrink for a little over a year now. it’s an uphill battle, and while i have made some strides toward mental health, i’m not there yet. the events of this evening, however, make me question whether mental health is something i’m ever going to actually achieve.

the party was a pretty good size, much to dean’s credit, and while there were most people i didn’t know, or had ever seen before, there were a few people that i did know. having said that, i can’t strike up conversation with people i don’t know. even worse, the conversations with those strangers that i manager to talk to seem forced to me. artificial. i always feel like i come off boring and uninteresting. social situations like these make me horribly uncomfortable…. you know what, this isn’t what i really want to be talking about, though it is part of the issue. screw this storytelling shit, i’m just going to lay it out straight. right now i don’t have the patience with myself to give particularly unimportant details.

there was this girl at the party that i’ve been kinda interested in for some time. i didn’t go to the party for that reason alone, though it was certainly an added bonus…. or at least i thought it would be. the thing is, i didn’t really talk to her at all…. i can’t say that i really even tried. and that’s what’s at the real heart of this posting. i don’t really care if she reads it (though she most likely won’t).

i was excited to be able to see her and have the chance to talk to her…. yeah, except that i completely choked. completely! she was more or less surrounded by people she goes to school with. some i’d met before, others i hadn’t. i tried a couple of times to wiggle my way, so to speak, into their conversation, but wasn’t really successful either time. i just didn’t know what to do, or what to say. of course, the fact that they were talking about school related topics, i had no point of reference. i had no way to relate and there’s only so long i can stand in a group of people, not talking, before i feel completely awkward and uncomfortable and have to flee. and that’s what i did. i booked it out of there, both times. i was overcome with doubt and anxiety.

at this point, i don’t know what to do. i just want to curl up into a little ball and withdraw from the whole world. was it that bad, you might ask. well, it was, but add that to an already present anxiety about social functions and it’s amazing that i managed to stay as long as i did. that being said, i quit. i don’t want friends anymore. i don’t want social situations. just leave me along and let me drown in my own self-pity.

i’m just so tired of trying. i’m exhausted by the whole thing. so fine, things won’t work out with amy the way i’d like. i mean, i didn’t have much chance to begin with, but that still doesn’t make me feel any better about the fact that i couldn’t even try. i had maybe four conversations that lasted longer than a minute, three of them were with the same person. i just don’t want to bother anymore. i quit….